Wednesday, November 7, 2007

law boreds and waterboards

the amazing videos of lawyers rumbling with cops in the streets of pakistan should open the eyes of our american legal sluggards. as a useful bit of needed exercise for corpulent corporate attorneys, daily street battles with the politzei would tone flabby bodies and awaken drowsy minds.

caparisoned in their pin-striped three-piece kevlar outfits, briefcases sprouting knives, maces twirling, these sheister shock troops will pour out of hales and dorrs and mix it up with the boys in blue. they could make "300" look like a nancy pillow fight.

if a posse of flame queens can embarrass the new york tactical police at the stonewall inn, surely our butch perry masons can give the mary blue gowns a whuppin.

watching the evening news will be a sport again.


current tv shows videos of waterboarding.
u.s. soldiers were court martialed for waterboarding suspects in the phillipines after the spanish american war.
japanese soldiers were sent to jail in tokyo trials after world war two.
a texas cop got ten years for waterboarding prisoners in the 1980s.

yet sen. shumer (d-no nuts) and sen. feinstein (d-wax museum) join nine republican colleagues and vote to approve judge mukasey as the new alberto gonzales lite to head the ruins of the u.s. justice department. mukasey just can't bring himself to say that waterboarding is torture.

another chunk is whacked off the statue of liberty.

all wildeans urge you to mail these senators: an orange jump suit, a blindfold, shackles, and a gallon of poland springs. try it out yourselves, senators. see how you like it.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

move on and fuck off

the senate this week voted more time-wasting and self-righteous resolutions than a southern baptist theological conclave. the menu included the "fuck off, move on" strangling of free speech resolution and the "bomb iran, part dieu" dessert course.

suckers ever, dems always fall for these liebermanian effusions.

this is the new role of the united states senate - an irrelevant jawing gaggle producing inane policy statements - an endless blusterthon, a c-span of f-troops, a b-list of a-holes; profiles in dotage.

next up they will take a wide stance debating the "times traitor prevention" act, the vital "britney haircut authorization" act, and the "spit shine the generals' boots" act.

these are "sense of the senate" resolutions.

when has this senate had any sense?

mister a. blister ray

unpronounceable, necktieless iranguy flew khomeni air into the big app this week. the reception was not sweet and delicious.

his visit pumped the hysterical bloviatariat to f-16 decibel levels. talking mouths foamed. op-eds goebbelsed. a college president became bill o'reilly.

we're re-entering september, 1939: "the poles are creating intolerable provocations against the glorious new order."

the bush admin readies the rollout of their blockbuster new hit "burkhaville blitzkrieg." coming soon to a war theater near you.

all of us vs. mall of u.s.

ken burns' war, showing on pbs, unlike bush's war, lacks a dipshit president, a jerkoff general staff, and an uninvolved citizenry.

and no disney world to fly to.

what was wrong with them back then?

was there no syntacticly challenged frat boy chief exec oozed in by a corrupt supreme court?

no minimum-wage army led by a covey of disposable lapdog generals?

no saponaceous cheering section plumping consumer excess?

no no-bid contracts?

they saved aluminum, steel, rubber? voluntarily?

they rationed gasoline?

they drafted people?

they were unified?

they sacrificed?

they won?

what a quaint old war.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

senator handjob

larry craig sashayed back into the u.s. senate this week wearing a darling gray suit, black tasselled wide stance loafers, and a lavender tie with oscar wilde's visage on it. he was not greeted with sassy air kisses by miss mitch and miss lindsey. they gave craig (r-idaho') the hrrrmmph treatment.

or maybe not.

we do know that the men's room of larry's infame has become a sudden tourist destination. digicams and cell phones frame faces by the wc door. inside, photohogs jockey for position at the row of stalls. was he behind the the sixth or seventh door? isn't there a brass plaque yet? can paid tours be far behind?

we can only guess when the musky allure of tea room frolics first raised larry's wanger. was it when, farm fresh at peckerwood junior college, he noticed the oval hole in a stall divider? or at a religious school (even hotter), st. peter of the second coming, let us say, where when not swallowing religious dogma, blond students ingested something more secular and creamy?

perhaps little larry dreamed of a life like j. edgar hoover's. a life of czar-like power, living with a butch g-man, the silk dresses locked securely away, shameful urges wrapped in ruthlessness.

did he respond to the mysterious bond between the lone ranger (the masked man) and tonto? or the erotic spark of robin for batman (two more in masks with day identities)?

or was larry a late cummer? did he miss the demimondaine of school dickdom utterly? was it the boredom, the unfulfillingness of midlife, the locked longings that fired his toilet travels? was he a prisoner of hardons and risk?

larry will never tell us.

and that is the sepulchral silence of the closet.

when larry was of college age a rabble of queens battled new york cops for several nights running. they gave the tactical police a street shaming. gay liberation was born.

suppose larry had been inspired by this rebellion. with his intelligence and eloquence, his drive for power, he might have become a national figure for freedom.

but larry became a moldy closet queen. a moldy closet queen in denial. a right-wing moldy closet queen.

and so, like j. edgar, like mark foley, like others, larry put on rectitude and played pocket pool. false face must hide what false heart doth know.

a human waste.

a dead man walking.

Friday, August 17, 2007

a miami jury convicted american citizen jose padilla of thinking about doing something nasty to people overseas. or something along those lines. mr. padilla was dragged off a plane years ago, accused of plotting to explode a dirty bomb (don't such people wash their c4 before using?), declared an enemy combatant by president brushcut, hauled to a brig, and forced to watch all the "i love lucy" episodes forwards and backwards, dubbed into norwegian, for three years. in other words, he was tortured.

the actual conditions of padilla's confinement and interrogations were not allowed to be discussed at his trial. from many sources we can surmise that mr. padilla's govmint handling included: total isolation, intolerable loud music (the "koresh cantata"), injections of weird drugs, heating and super cooling of his cell, no sunlight, bouts of continuous interrogation, and no visits from paris hilton.

padilla was brought to trial as the supreme court edged closer to forcing the administration to release him. a ruling that "enemy combatants" was an illegal category would have closed down the fun times at gitmo.

today's papers should trumpet padilla's conviction as a triumph for bush justice. and for junior alberto, our quaint attorney general. and render these years of mistreatment perfectly legal.

so, let me tender a suggestion to senator leahy's senate committee. to improve alberto gonzales' memory and soften his attitude problem, let's give him the (perfectly legal) padilla treatment before his next visit with leahy's committee. there must be a dark dungeon somewhere in our nation's capital for rent at a modest sum. we have a number of ex-cia guys who'd volunteer time as an interrogation tag team. god knows there are enough awful cd's to serenade gonzo at extreme volume. for public information purposes we can video some of the fun and pop it on youtube. why gonzo might confess to more stuff than that rumpled sheik mohammed dope.

how the hell else are we going to get the truth from this confederation of clowns?

Monday, August 6, 2007

josefina's livingroom

a marvelous woman has passed from us. josefina yanguas, after 90 rich years, died this week.

barely five feet tall, her spirit was large as the mountains surrounding her native pamplona, spain. founder and presiding genius of the cafe pamplona, josefina's hospitality embraced nobel winners, teachers, readers, conversationalists, students. you were always her guest, not just a customer. many pamplona guests have been warmly loyal for decades.

in the cellar of her barn-red home she wove a josefina sized nest of friends, warmth, coffee and media noches. i have lingered thirty winters there and thirty summers savored the bright outdoor patio. i have drunk enough coffee there to thrombose a balzac. i have made fleeting friends and lifetime friends, read novels, newspapers, neruda. her cafe has given me half a lifetime of pleasure.

near the end josefina told a friend, "miss no pleasure. miss nothing." to me, she once said, "live with no fear."

miss nothing. no fear.

goodbye, courageous heart, gooddbye.


Womb of friends, conversations, books,
Marrow-cellar of human moods,
Door into feeling,
Iberian light slice,
I come to celebrate your seasons.
In June church shade
Or under September stars,
Reading Cervantes in the sun,
Unamuno by the rushing Dudley bus,
Lorca near your winter stove,
I have knit my soul to Spain here.
Speak to me your
Shaly consonants and grassy vowels,
Canciones earth-bright in your passionate home tongue.
When your steam machine roars
I hear bulls thunder through holy Pamplona.
Your caffeine music kindles my veins.
And your waiters - wonderful!
Generations, torrents, encyclopedias
Of waiters have rivered my years.
So I give you my praise song
Scratched within your cloud-white basement walls
My sweet space,
Hearth within my heart.
Bless all your twelve tables,
Rich calendar of my delight.

D.H. Brennan

Saturday, July 21, 2007

american slapshots

at midnight crowds exit a borders with capes, wands and magus caps. across the street on the church terrace the homeless under horse blankets sleep.


george w. bush toured a bun factory in nashville. president doughboy quipped "you guys are really making some serious bread here."
on saturday bush's buns will be parted during a colonoscopy. the pres will be under anesthesia (boosting his i.q. significantly). under section 3 of the 25th amendment to the u.s. constitution dick cheney will be acting president. enjoy your weekend knowing an unconscious buttbrain will be replaced by a true asshole.


fema (fubar emergency manglement ass.) has generously offered its services for republican senators' next all night filibuster. instead of a room cluttered with rolled-in cots, fema is importing their fab femameldahyde portable trailers for the solons' sleeping pleasure. they can now fume among the aromatic fumes emanating from the pressed wood chipboard interiors so beloved by new orleans expats.

chinese contractors will provide free toothpaste and bottles of cough syrup brewed according to their special secret formulas. the national security agency will install telephone and email service as part of their total info awareness plan. blackwater will handle security. an autographed copy of "the sayings of newt gingrich" will rest on each pillow.

a spokeslug for acme trailer enterprises declared "these senators look like they've been soaking in formeldahyde for eons, so a whiff or two of fumes won't make no difference."


fred of hollywood is announcing its new line of "vitter diapers." their slogan: "hook 'er with our ragin cajun undies exclusives."

to get the balls rolling, fred is sending all male u.s. senators a box of a dozen starter dipes. "we'd like to do some photo shoot sessions with the senators during their next filibuster pajama party all nighter," said a public relations agent.

no senators or their staff would comment. michael moore said "we already know they're full of crap."


Friday, July 20, 2007

money doesn't talk it swears

the american rich.

the sunday new york times graciously slaps us notes of their croesus overplus of buckos, their history, their gargantuan self-regard. their wealth just sorta happened in a lucky lottery ticket way.

get over your attitude that they are takers, rapers, greed fuehrers. no - good luck, puritan application and their inherent virtue won the day and the yachts.

just ask them about their virtue. "god gave me my money," croaks john d. rockefeller. andrew carnegie writes "the gospel of wealth." their money is holy. your dough is filth; theirs sits at the right hand of god. on their sistene ceiling god slips adam a platinum credit card.

carnegie squeezed the life out of his workers. that's ok - andrew dotted the dales with libraries.

frick was a prick. but willya look at his museum of goyas.

john d's legacy? you can watch the rockettes.

just ask them: the rich have civilized us. please kiss their tasselled loafers.

they dwell in their silver aeries, reward of their holiness. you cringe in a rip-off basement apartment because you suck. jesus ain't put the healing touch on your bank o' america account.

black limos glide them to meetings in walnut rooms. your rusty honda won't start.

they buy their own islands. you get an afternoon at revere beach, sunburned, gnawing cold pizza.

they bid on warhols in london and geneva. you can't pay piano lessons for your kid.

they are wheeled through quadruple bypasses. you linger in the emergency room with an infected cut, waiting.

they run the world. your son is back from iraq with no legs.

all wealthocracies create a religion of owning. they infect every organ of society. they corrupt legislators (delay, abramoff). laws apply not to them (scooter is free). taxes are for suckers (warren buffet's secretary forks over a greater income percentage than the billionaire does). all media is for specious frippery and power worship (p. hilton, brit hume). add a mercenary army of the poor to extend their reich (name one senator's son on duty in baghdad).

their gospel of wealth is a theology of theft.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

martin murdered again

we know their decision. we read the words. now we wonder how the words change the climate of our living.

the 1954 brown decision held a hand up out of the abyss of humiliation that was segregation and altered america.

but where to now?

justice breyer: "this cannot be justified. [the court] distorts precedent, misapplies the relevant constitutional principles...and it undermines brown's promise. this is a decision the nation will come to regret."
"i must dissent."

jack greenberg, who worked for the plaintiffs in 1954: "preposterous."

william t. coleman, another lawyer 53 years back: "the majority opinion is 100% wrong."

five men have cracked open a half century of law. what will come out of this wreckage? is this a soft entry into the new white supremacy? have these five forgotten the police batons, the snarling dogs, the fire hoses, the noose and the fire? will this decision choke our air like a malign smog?

martin luther king, jr. preached: "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." our everywhere includes a million desks in 50,000 schools. our everywhere encompasses karl rove's blackberry, alberto gonzales' hidden papers, dick cheney's locked safe, the moldy wards of walter reed, the secret spying, and yes, the blooded streets of baghdad.

injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

will the vile past presage a dire future? we visited the deep south and asked 88 year old elmore peckerwood of stonewall junction. "good decision? hell, yeah. i'm bringin out the ole seperate water fountains from out back. we'll have three bubblers this time around - one white, one black, and one fer them mexies."

across the county in lee's landing,elderly clarence neckchafe remarked "glad ta see them librals gettin hosed again. i say the judge thomas is my kinda nigra. i think that ole chicken coop over thar what use ta be the colored school could be spruced up and put ta use again."

our final trek to the past occured in a dim parlor at the home of famous tia fonia, renowned psychic and seance mistress. after long dark silence a wavering ectoplasmic figure appeared. we gasped. it was the 1963 specter of george c. wallace appearing in a doorway. the ghost stiffened and shrieked "re-segregation now! re-segregation forever!"

Thursday, June 28, 2007

guantanamo high

president bush today announced the start of "young scholars at guantanamo," a program to place high-achieving, question-asking high school students far from politicians' ears.

yesterday a select group of teenage presidential scholars presented bush with a hand written note signed by 50 of them urging him to outlaw torture and adhere to the geneva conventions.

"this is a cross-cultural initiative to bring our young people into contact with others who find our values kinda different," declared the president. "summer internee, ah, internships will give talented high schoolers a live-in experience at the center of our great justice experiment at guantanamo bay."

whitehouse spokesblonde dana perino echoed bush's enthusiasm. "let's, like, look at this place as more of a campus than a, you know, prison. we're expanding, ah, this whole concept of guantanamo as an education in law and ordure. when, and if, these students return to america, they will, like, come with new perspectives."

some details of the program are beginning to emerge.

special "scholars' cells" are being readied for the first hundred highschoolers chosen. within the lockable door, each room contains dorm-quality furniture, a rubber writing implement, scented stationary, a bible and a belt. specially added is a new halliburton-built "rush and flush" combination potty and radio receiver tuned exclusively to mr. limbaugh's show. (senator leahy today suppoenaed records of the no-bid rush and flush contract.)

extra powerful air conditioning and high-btu heaters are built in. mandatory silent hours and weeks will be enforced.

scholars will receive three hearty meals a day "if they behave."

the curriculum is rumored to include a course in religious jurisprudence, voter caging, a "trainee detainee" intensive with "shackled hands-on direct experience" of gitmo procedures, and abstinence lectures by regents faculty.

some of the advanced reading material includes "the grand inquisitor" by alberto dostoevsky, "heart of darkness," by cheney conrad, "the plague" by rummy camus, "the sunni also rises" by ernest hemimamway, and "nausea" by jean libby sartre.

film nights will feature "the battle of algiers," "detainees of the caribbean," "1984," "fallujah, mon amour," "texas cheneysaw massacre," and "sicko."

tv specials for detainees include "pimp my camel," "sharia and order," and the classic "i love al-lucy."

tony snow exuded, "parents will love this. it's a whacking good chance to see our justice system inaction. discipline combined with correct thinking about the new order is a no-brainer. and it keeps their teens from spending all summer on myspace."

editor silly kristol added "we'd like to get many lefty academics to go south with this effort. they might decide to stay."

in a phone interview, noam chomsky chortled and hung up.

one constitutional scholar commented "this sounds smelly and orwelly. it's more hitler youth than search for truth."

at the conclusion of the study course, students will face oral exams before a military commission to determine if they can leave.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

club gitmo

someone named morris d. davis, chief prosecutor of the department of defense's office of military commissions, wrote yesterday's feature op-ed piece in the times called "the guantanamo i know" and asks "why close a detainee camp that is fair and humane?"

would the same newspaper in 1944 have run an editorial by adolf eichmann lauding his concentration camps as comfy "hitler hiltons"?

c.i.a. laugh in

just released - 702 pages covering decades of c.i.a. illegalities.
picture an agency that is a mix of acme spy school and wild bill donovan clown college.

after their lemon juice by lightbulb training, their advanced emmet kelly makeup and plastic nose courses, agents whined about having to grow long hair to infiltrate the peace movement (the vietnam one). no doubt they charged their tie dyed shirts and paisley bell bottoms to the agency. imagine these homuncular hippies listening to the strawberry alarm clock and the monkees to get in the groove for subversion, flashing their mood-decoder rings. did their haight ashbury extreme makeovers convulse their teenage sons?

after decades of trying to disappear castro's beard perhaps our spies can work on finding paris hilton's undies.

spookland kept their little sherlocks busy.

it's a lot of hoofing and typing (indeed a rose mary woods stretch) to compile an index of 300,000 names of american citizens and organizations.

where did the agency get the weird drugs they tried out on the unsuspecting? hand me the c.i.a. golden triangle heroin file please, general hayden.

"project mockingbird" wiretapped washington news reporters.

the spysters overthrew and assassinated foreign leaders.

they were happy to hire mobsters to multiply mayhem.

they detained and tortured. they harassed singing stars. they broke into offices. they steamed open mail. they're reading this blog.

they are the american stasi.

in the 1960's the agency tried to bug a las vegas hotel room to find out if a mobster's moll was schtupping comedian dan rowan. there's a laugh in for you.

e. howard hunt, of watergate infamy, achieves a footnote. one secret c.i.a. memorandum is titled "hunt request a lockpicker." the times reports "it is unclear exactly what lock mr. hunt was trying to open."

it is very clear to me.

he was breaking open the first ten amendments to the constitution and stealing our bill of rights.

Monday, June 25, 2007

buy! buy! bye!

due to a scandalous overstock, our ted haggard bethlehum buttplug stimulator devices have been reduced to an unholy price. get a fundamentalist buzz right up your fundament. its deep vibratory power will en-rapture you. fully washable. none of these have been pre-owned. batteries, lord knows, not included.

the formerly popular freedom fries neocon paperweights are now vastly reduced in price. custom cast from the imprints of grease-sogged taters from the u.s. congress cafeteria. color map of france with red line through it at bottom of paperweight.

we still have several donny rumsfeld simulated iraqi vases available. relive donny's hilarious "i didn't know there were that many vases in iraq" comment during the baghdad looting spree. these six foot high exclusives are specially made for us in vietnam. includes a d.o.d emblem on every one. big enough to hide war plans or a detainee in. call for shipping charges.

everyone wants a gwb43 "commander guy" action figurine. made, naturally, of 100% plastic, our glorious president wears his flight suit with codpiece. accomplish your mission with this patriotic homunculus. includes mini removable wristwatch. grab a few now before bush's reputation shrinks to a size even tinier than this fab figurine.

light up your righty household with one of our marvelous "bill of rights" candles. the actual words of the first ten amendments are clearly readable and sealed into high quality wax. put match to wick and watch those troublesome enlightenment principles go up in smoke. tantalizing brimstone aroma. taunt your liberal neighbors at a candlelit dinner. a perfect gift.

the last of our condi rice dominatrix undies are on sale. available in black only. no deliveries to males, please.

you'll say "i do" to our rick santorum "i married my dog" faux marriage license. exquisitely printed on rag stock redwood bark logged from clear cut national park lands. suitable for framing. simply fill in your and your pooch's name and hang it on your rec room wall. invite your democrat neighbors in and let the laughs begin. note: this item not delivered to massachusetts addresses.

koran in a potty! yes, this 1/2 size ceramic hopper will keep your family in stitches. just press the handle, hear a blast of trombone flatulence followed by a digital flushing sound. the imitation mini koran spins around and around. runs on fourteen d batteries (not included). so knee-slapping you may pee yourself. stand up for your christian faith and flush that shiite away!

last call: our huge colorful "war on christmas" banners are on special. order now by the ton.

this just in: our tony snow "prevaricator podium" comes pre-loaded with 99 boilerplate misleading statements. call your family in for an intimate press conference just like the white house has. press a button and cheesy circumlocutions emerge from stereo speakers. ventriloquize along with tony! volume knob included. quality chipboard construction covered in wood veneer. replica plastic presidential seal glued to podium front. runs on 911 double a batteries.

all these fine wingnut products are delivered to your door in an unarmored humvee. no cod's. no delivery to european union countries.

get these goodies now. remember, no shopping after the rapture.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

profiles in outrage

scooter libby, future maker of license plates, bravura trick-or-treater, amateur roto rooter man, boon buddy to geneva convention busters, slitherer through loopholes, blonde spy outer, convicted liar, whined that his neocon pals' letters may be "mocked by bloggers," and grovels for an appeal.

dear scoot: bananas have a peel; felons not.

scooter might soon have a bigger problem - like his tatooed mammothian new cellmate named "boo."

the muck on our picture of dick cheney accretes the way cheap coats of shellac darken old portraits. his visage looms like some megalo venetian doge, minus the fruity medieval cap.

retreating ever behind layers of secrecy, we can hope he disappears altogether. he has made so much else disappear: the names of his visitors, the minutes of his meetings, the honor of america's constitution.

his underling libby is about to disappear into a federal prison. we hope the veep will soon follow, wherein he can find his colsonian jesus, thwack a bible, re-emerge humbled and saintly, appointed professor of ethics at preacher robertson's toy law school, to sit at the right hand of his bud john ashcroft as they both lecture below the statue of lady justice, whose fulsome paps are chastely cloaked.

general peter pace, sexual moralist, strategist of slaughter, got the westmorelandian boot up his semper fi backside this week. the surgers feel pp's approval hearings in congress might cause "controversy." they might also raise truths. truths of military stupidity, deceit, wastage of american lives, and the evisceration of iraq. we musn't air those camoflage undies for the public to see.

goodbye, alliterative general. a massively overpaid sinecure at a bloated defense contractor no doubt awaits.

hans von spakovsky, a name that rings with teutonic tintinabulation, has played the role of obersturmbahnfuehrer for republican's voter suppression efforts. wherever hans' arsch has sat before desk and phone, african american, native american, and hispanic american voters are sure to have their right to vote thrown into question.

and so - and this is echt bush - our president seeks to appoint hans to the federal election commission. hans' testimony before john conyers' committee was a melding of gonzales impaired memory syndrome and near perjury. appoint the herr consul to liechtenstein and get him out of town.

monica goodling brought a candy striper smile and a jim crow bible to her justice department posts. she is a clear example of the new christo-authoritarian underling - feminine, yet a dogged commissar in alberto gonzales' nkvd "justice" department.

she learned her chops in oppo research (that is, dirty tricks) and voter caging with one of karl rove's trainees. she fired professionals for no reason and replaced them with pliable applicants. she confessed before congress to breaking federal law. she exemplifies racism with an angelic face.

ryan crocker, america's new ambassador to iraq, embodies colin powell's pottery barn rule - he looks already like busted crockery.

to watch this quavering wimpus maximus interviewed from his baghdad bunker was to see the deer in the klieg lights, the visual evidence of what a pants-shitter being in baghdad so malodorously is.

ryan crocker is the don knotts of the green zone.

"ryan of mayberry - baghdad edition" is on the fox network's fall schedule. a warm, sentimental half hour comedy, in addition to crocker, it co-stars jeb bush as sheriff andy, babs bush as aunt b, rumsfeld as floyd the idiot barber, and sanjaya as opie.

can you still whistle the theme song?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

u.s.a. q and a

q: by what churchillian dudesque coinage does w self-identify?
a: commander guy.

q: through what unlikely anatomical and antigravitational method should iraqis improve themselves?
a: lift themselves up by their bootstraps.

q: in what inverse posture transference will u.s. troops engage?
a: we'll stand down when they stand up.

q: what militaristic come hither have we not heard lately from bush's syntactically challenged lips?
a: bring em on.

q: what koranic himmlerian hyphenation has similarly fallen out of use?
a: islamo-fascists.

q: what hub of malignancy is now never mentioned?
a: axis of evil.

q: by what slavic nickname do whitehousers grace a larger war?
a: surge.

q: what negative interrogatory and tattleless blending is losing favor?
a: don't ask, don't tell.

q: what armani-cocainian word combo dubs w's chief lipmover?
a: tony snow.

q: what tumescent sign tells a prostitute that her client is ready?
a: john boehner.

q: what is a child's description of a bad tasting popsicle?
a: maliki.

q: what medico-messopotamian-madisonian effort has clearly failed?
a: operation iraqi freedom.

q: what exclamatory zeronean urinary group is ruining america?
a: g.o.p.

q: what furry energy-charged orbs do democrats need to rediscover?
a: balls.

q: to which yonder location do you condemn this tiresome questionade?
a: so over.

q: in which direction should i now shut?
a: up.