Thursday, June 28, 2007

guantanamo high

president bush today announced the start of "young scholars at guantanamo," a program to place high-achieving, question-asking high school students far from politicians' ears.

yesterday a select group of teenage presidential scholars presented bush with a hand written note signed by 50 of them urging him to outlaw torture and adhere to the geneva conventions.

"this is a cross-cultural initiative to bring our young people into contact with others who find our values kinda different," declared the president. "summer internee, ah, internships will give talented high schoolers a live-in experience at the center of our great justice experiment at guantanamo bay."

whitehouse spokesblonde dana perino echoed bush's enthusiasm. "let's, like, look at this place as more of a campus than a, you know, prison. we're expanding, ah, this whole concept of guantanamo as an education in law and ordure. when, and if, these students return to america, they will, like, come with new perspectives."

some details of the program are beginning to emerge.

special "scholars' cells" are being readied for the first hundred highschoolers chosen. within the lockable door, each room contains dorm-quality furniture, a rubber writing implement, scented stationary, a bible and a belt. specially added is a new halliburton-built "rush and flush" combination potty and radio receiver tuned exclusively to mr. limbaugh's show. (senator leahy today suppoenaed records of the no-bid rush and flush contract.)

extra powerful air conditioning and high-btu heaters are built in. mandatory silent hours and weeks will be enforced.

scholars will receive three hearty meals a day "if they behave."

the curriculum is rumored to include a course in religious jurisprudence, voter caging, a "trainee detainee" intensive with "shackled hands-on direct experience" of gitmo procedures, and abstinence lectures by regents faculty.

some of the advanced reading material includes "the grand inquisitor" by alberto dostoevsky, "heart of darkness," by cheney conrad, "the plague" by rummy camus, "the sunni also rises" by ernest hemimamway, and "nausea" by jean libby sartre.

film nights will feature "the battle of algiers," "detainees of the caribbean," "1984," "fallujah, mon amour," "texas cheneysaw massacre," and "sicko."

tv specials for detainees include "pimp my camel," "sharia and order," and the classic "i love al-lucy."

tony snow exuded, "parents will love this. it's a whacking good chance to see our justice system inaction. discipline combined with correct thinking about the new order is a no-brainer. and it keeps their teens from spending all summer on myspace."

editor silly kristol added "we'd like to get many lefty academics to go south with this effort. they might decide to stay."

in a phone interview, noam chomsky chortled and hung up.

one constitutional scholar commented "this sounds smelly and orwelly. it's more hitler youth than search for truth."

at the conclusion of the study course, students will face oral exams before a military commission to determine if they can leave.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

club gitmo

someone named morris d. davis, chief prosecutor of the department of defense's office of military commissions, wrote yesterday's feature op-ed piece in the times called "the guantanamo i know" and asks "why close a detainee camp that is fair and humane?"

would the same newspaper in 1944 have run an editorial by adolf eichmann lauding his concentration camps as comfy "hitler hiltons"?

c.i.a. laugh in

just released - 702 pages covering decades of c.i.a. illegalities.
picture an agency that is a mix of acme spy school and wild bill donovan clown college.

after their lemon juice by lightbulb training, their advanced emmet kelly makeup and plastic nose courses, agents whined about having to grow long hair to infiltrate the peace movement (the vietnam one). no doubt they charged their tie dyed shirts and paisley bell bottoms to the agency. imagine these homuncular hippies listening to the strawberry alarm clock and the monkees to get in the groove for subversion, flashing their mood-decoder rings. did their haight ashbury extreme makeovers convulse their teenage sons?

after decades of trying to disappear castro's beard perhaps our spies can work on finding paris hilton's undies.

spookland kept their little sherlocks busy.

it's a lot of hoofing and typing (indeed a rose mary woods stretch) to compile an index of 300,000 names of american citizens and organizations.

where did the agency get the weird drugs they tried out on the unsuspecting? hand me the c.i.a. golden triangle heroin file please, general hayden.

"project mockingbird" wiretapped washington news reporters.

the spysters overthrew and assassinated foreign leaders.

they were happy to hire mobsters to multiply mayhem.

they detained and tortured. they harassed singing stars. they broke into offices. they steamed open mail. they're reading this blog.

they are the american stasi.

in the 1960's the agency tried to bug a las vegas hotel room to find out if a mobster's moll was schtupping comedian dan rowan. there's a laugh in for you.

e. howard hunt, of watergate infamy, achieves a footnote. one secret c.i.a. memorandum is titled "hunt request a lockpicker." the times reports "it is unclear exactly what lock mr. hunt was trying to open."

it is very clear to me.

he was breaking open the first ten amendments to the constitution and stealing our bill of rights.

Monday, June 25, 2007

buy! buy! bye!

due to a scandalous overstock, our ted haggard bethlehum buttplug stimulator devices have been reduced to an unholy price. get a fundamentalist buzz right up your fundament. its deep vibratory power will en-rapture you. fully washable. none of these have been pre-owned. batteries, lord knows, not included.

the formerly popular freedom fries neocon paperweights are now vastly reduced in price. custom cast from the imprints of grease-sogged taters from the u.s. congress cafeteria. color map of france with red line through it at bottom of paperweight.

we still have several donny rumsfeld simulated iraqi vases available. relive donny's hilarious "i didn't know there were that many vases in iraq" comment during the baghdad looting spree. these six foot high exclusives are specially made for us in vietnam. includes a d.o.d emblem on every one. big enough to hide war plans or a detainee in. call for shipping charges.

everyone wants a gwb43 "commander guy" action figurine. made, naturally, of 100% plastic, our glorious president wears his flight suit with codpiece. accomplish your mission with this patriotic homunculus. includes mini removable wristwatch. grab a few now before bush's reputation shrinks to a size even tinier than this fab figurine.

light up your righty household with one of our marvelous "bill of rights" candles. the actual words of the first ten amendments are clearly readable and sealed into high quality wax. put match to wick and watch those troublesome enlightenment principles go up in smoke. tantalizing brimstone aroma. taunt your liberal neighbors at a candlelit dinner. a perfect gift.

the last of our condi rice dominatrix undies are on sale. available in black only. no deliveries to males, please.

you'll say "i do" to our rick santorum "i married my dog" faux marriage license. exquisitely printed on rag stock redwood bark logged from clear cut national park lands. suitable for framing. simply fill in your and your pooch's name and hang it on your rec room wall. invite your democrat neighbors in and let the laughs begin. note: this item not delivered to massachusetts addresses.

koran in a potty! yes, this 1/2 size ceramic hopper will keep your family in stitches. just press the handle, hear a blast of trombone flatulence followed by a digital flushing sound. the imitation mini koran spins around and around. runs on fourteen d batteries (not included). so knee-slapping you may pee yourself. stand up for your christian faith and flush that shiite away!

last call: our huge colorful "war on christmas" banners are on special. order now by the ton.

this just in: our tony snow "prevaricator podium" comes pre-loaded with 99 boilerplate misleading statements. call your family in for an intimate press conference just like the white house has. press a button and cheesy circumlocutions emerge from stereo speakers. ventriloquize along with tony! volume knob included. quality chipboard construction covered in wood veneer. replica plastic presidential seal glued to podium front. runs on 911 double a batteries.

all these fine wingnut products are delivered to your door in an unarmored humvee. no cod's. no delivery to european union countries.

get these goodies now. remember, no shopping after the rapture.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

profiles in outrage

scooter libby, future maker of license plates, bravura trick-or-treater, amateur roto rooter man, boon buddy to geneva convention busters, slitherer through loopholes, blonde spy outer, convicted liar, whined that his neocon pals' letters may be "mocked by bloggers," and grovels for an appeal.

dear scoot: bananas have a peel; felons not.

scooter might soon have a bigger problem - like his tatooed mammothian new cellmate named "boo."

the muck on our picture of dick cheney accretes the way cheap coats of shellac darken old portraits. his visage looms like some megalo venetian doge, minus the fruity medieval cap.

retreating ever behind layers of secrecy, we can hope he disappears altogether. he has made so much else disappear: the names of his visitors, the minutes of his meetings, the honor of america's constitution.

his underling libby is about to disappear into a federal prison. we hope the veep will soon follow, wherein he can find his colsonian jesus, thwack a bible, re-emerge humbled and saintly, appointed professor of ethics at preacher robertson's toy law school, to sit at the right hand of his bud john ashcroft as they both lecture below the statue of lady justice, whose fulsome paps are chastely cloaked.

general peter pace, sexual moralist, strategist of slaughter, got the westmorelandian boot up his semper fi backside this week. the surgers feel pp's approval hearings in congress might cause "controversy." they might also raise truths. truths of military stupidity, deceit, wastage of american lives, and the evisceration of iraq. we musn't air those camoflage undies for the public to see.

goodbye, alliterative general. a massively overpaid sinecure at a bloated defense contractor no doubt awaits.

hans von spakovsky, a name that rings with teutonic tintinabulation, has played the role of obersturmbahnfuehrer for republican's voter suppression efforts. wherever hans' arsch has sat before desk and phone, african american, native american, and hispanic american voters are sure to have their right to vote thrown into question.

and so - and this is echt bush - our president seeks to appoint hans to the federal election commission. hans' testimony before john conyers' committee was a melding of gonzales impaired memory syndrome and near perjury. appoint the herr consul to liechtenstein and get him out of town.

monica goodling brought a candy striper smile and a jim crow bible to her justice department posts. she is a clear example of the new christo-authoritarian underling - feminine, yet a dogged commissar in alberto gonzales' nkvd "justice" department.

she learned her chops in oppo research (that is, dirty tricks) and voter caging with one of karl rove's trainees. she fired professionals for no reason and replaced them with pliable applicants. she confessed before congress to breaking federal law. she exemplifies racism with an angelic face.

ryan crocker, america's new ambassador to iraq, embodies colin powell's pottery barn rule - he looks already like busted crockery.

to watch this quavering wimpus maximus interviewed from his baghdad bunker was to see the deer in the klieg lights, the visual evidence of what a pants-shitter being in baghdad so malodorously is.

ryan crocker is the don knotts of the green zone.

"ryan of mayberry - baghdad edition" is on the fox network's fall schedule. a warm, sentimental half hour comedy, in addition to crocker, it co-stars jeb bush as sheriff andy, babs bush as aunt b, rumsfeld as floyd the idiot barber, and sanjaya as opie.

can you still whistle the theme song?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

u.s.a. q and a

q: by what churchillian dudesque coinage does w self-identify?
a: commander guy.

q: through what unlikely anatomical and antigravitational method should iraqis improve themselves?
a: lift themselves up by their bootstraps.

q: in what inverse posture transference will u.s. troops engage?
a: we'll stand down when they stand up.

q: what militaristic come hither have we not heard lately from bush's syntactically challenged lips?
a: bring em on.

q: what koranic himmlerian hyphenation has similarly fallen out of use?
a: islamo-fascists.

q: what hub of malignancy is now never mentioned?
a: axis of evil.

q: by what slavic nickname do whitehousers grace a larger war?
a: surge.

q: what negative interrogatory and tattleless blending is losing favor?
a: don't ask, don't tell.

q: what armani-cocainian word combo dubs w's chief lipmover?
a: tony snow.

q: what tumescent sign tells a prostitute that her client is ready?
a: john boehner.

q: what is a child's description of a bad tasting popsicle?
a: maliki.

q: what medico-messopotamian-madisonian effort has clearly failed?
a: operation iraqi freedom.

q: what exclamatory zeronean urinary group is ruining america?
a: g.o.p.

q: what furry energy-charged orbs do democrats need to rediscover?
a: balls.

q: to which yonder location do you condemn this tiresome questionade?
a: so over.

q: in which direction should i now shut?
a: up.

Friday, June 15, 2007

albanian idol

forget sanjaya.

president timex, although lacking the chia pet hairstyle, waded into adoring crowds in the balkans. it would be a triumph if we could keep him there. and convince cheney to take up the vice presidency of bulgaria to boot. interim president pelosi would be a fresh fill-in until january, 2009.

this administration has alienated the european union, russia, china, and the islamic world. no doubt, even icelanders and tierra del fuegans are pissed off.

but the white house basks in the shiny duo of albania and bulgaria as new buddies. they will doubtless soon join nascar and nato. what witless diplomacy.

we live under an administration at war with three-quarters of its own people, at odds with most of the world, at war with itself, at war with the constitution, at war with cerebration. and of course at war in iraq. all pursued with meathead malignancy.

it's all so versailles i'm surprised bush doesn't dress in sun king robes. with cheney in a cute duc d'orleans outfit of ermine and silk, fitted at an undisclosed herberdashery.
"undisclosed" is the key word for these retrograde romanovs.

look at the cloaca of the undisclosed:

cheney's true role in the outing of valerie plame - undisclosed.
the number and amount of no-bid iraq contracts - undisclosed.
the story of the c.i.a.'s secret prisons, renditions, and torture - undisclosed.
the imprint of karl rove's hand on voter caging, election fraud - undisclosed.
bush's phone call to mrs. ashcroft - undisclosed.
the truth of the u.s. attorney scandal - undisclosed.
the location of alberto gonzo's memory - undisclosed.
the minutes of cheney's energy group meetings - undisclosed.
the fate of joe lieberman's integrity - undisclosed.
the text of the sleazy iraq oil law - undisclosed.
the stolen billions of dollars in baghdad - undisclosed.
the real number and cost of blackwater/wackenhutt soldier/contractors in iraq - undisclosed.
the reason the n.s.a. reads our emails and phone records - undisclosed.
the place of the 5 million missing dept. of justice emails - undisclosed.
the ominous military plans for iran - undisclosed.
any explanation for their cowboy caligulan excesses - undisclosed.

what has been clearly disclosed is the dismemberment of our democracy - it has disappeared down a republican suck hole.

if you want to find the shreds of the american constitution, search the sewers.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

make love not war

documents released under a freedom of information request reveal the pentagon developed a "gay bomb," a hormonal aerosol mist that when inhaled induced unrestrained homosexual desire among soldiers. the idea was to disrupt enemy formations.

the disruption this time was to u.s. military personnel.

an improperly labeled "gay bomb" cannister leaked the odorless lusty aerosol through barracks, showers and latrines at an undisclosed american military base. "it instantly turned disciplined troops into the village people." declared colonel jack offalott. "sure, we want to build unit cohesion, but we had to separate these guys with crowbars."

"everyone suddenly wanted to bend over and pick up the soap," a participant stated.

"i thought basic training was a workout," said private hy hardone of gay head, martha's vineyard, who was swept up in the frenzy. "this was friggin testoserone city. it was viagra falls."

military police wearing gas masks were sent in to disperse the unprecedented orgy. boomboxes blared judy garland songs. a kickline of naked drill sargeants was led to the brig.

"the ratio of fellatio was very high," said a marine doctor afterwards. "not to mention other things. i never saw so many tired grunts with shit-eating grins. luckily, the effects wore off after a couple of hours. otherwise, we'd need every proctologist in north america."

"they really got corporal with their privates," declared captain jose pinga. "it was like a night in berlin."

the military reacted with shock and awe:
"they couldn't keep pace with their peters," said general peter pace.
one colonel raged, "it ain't called milifairy service."
a navy commander: "effective immediately, seamen's semen is off limits."
"it's not pronounced semper bi," yelled a marine general.
one pentagon male imitator stated, "a private's privates are private."

the defense department has convened a special sodomy squad to investigate. the pentagon remained closemouthed about fellatio.

neither reverend ted haggard nor ex-porn star rod majors could be reached for comment.

a spokesman for representative barney frank laughed so hard he could not answer our queries.

the pentagon is considering renaming fort dix.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


a recently arisen volcanic island in the pacific was claimed friday in federal court. the private equity firm of rumsfeld, feith, kristol, wolfowitz, abramoff and bolton (pronounced "nambla") filed papers to assume possession.

world leaders were taken aback by the unprecedented move. the as-yet unoccupied cooling atoll will be settled within weeks, sources told us. google servers crashed as web surfers attempted to find the island on google maps.

in a novel move, the new nation will be incorporated as a stock trading company. its nasdaq symbol,"rape," has already been chosen. "we expect to attract oodles of saudi and russian money for this," a chaste manhattan spokeswoman opined.

reaction from united nations members varied. a french diplomat decried "this new right wing vomitorium among palm trees." a swiss representative remained neutral. an undersecretary from venezuela denounced the concept as "tahiti with nukes."

at a sparsely attended press conference in the seychelles, donny rumsfeld announced "you go with the island you have, not the island you'd like to have."

some elements of the new national structure were revealed. a constitution and set of laws (which can be disregarded at will) are being written. the state religion will be beligerant christianity. french restaurants will not be allowed. the capital city will be named rapture.

some personnel have been chosen. john bolton will serve as united nations ambassador. "no pesky congress can queer my appointment now," bolton chided.

douglas feith was named bishop of rapture. "we'll really get feith-based initiatives off to a hell of a start," he quipped.

editor billy kristol will serve as mimister of enlightenment and assistant secretary of war. rumsfeld called the move "a promotion from weakly standard to kristol macht."

paul wolfowitz and his girlfriend plan to arrive via ruppert murdoch's yacht with a party of surveyors and couples counselors, as well as a fox news tv transmitter.

former house speaker tom delay planned to arrive "without delay."

a cryptic blackberry message from abramoff read "able was i ere i saw elba." attorneys have filed a motion to allow abramoff to serve his remaining sentence in the new nation.

scooter libby could not be located for a comment.

"this sounds like a devil's island of felons and bush leaguers," snarled michael moore. "i have a suggestion for their national anthem," he continued, "how about black sabbath's song 'war pigs.'"

Saturday, June 9, 2007

pride and prejudice

the supreme court of the commonwealth of massachusetts declared that same sex couples have the right to marry, that anything less is a violation of their constitutional rights. the bible bullies, the vituperationists, the multi-divorced family valuers, the abominationists, the virginity commissars have all of course gone gaga.

the governor of the state and the mayor of the state's capital will march in saturday's gay pride parade. tens of thousands more will march with them. you will see more marching lawyers than dykes on bikes. you will see more office workers than leather lennys. you will see more suburban home owners than disco ditzers. you will find that the brazillian float has the best dancers and the best music.

you will not see cardinal o'malley, dozens of whose priests have been marched to court and thence to jail, march. you will not see the vote on marriage people march. you will not see the fundy fulminators march.

you will not find the former cardinal in town. he hied himself and his red hat to the vatican, a step or two ahead of ignominy and a possible felony indictment. a decades-long coverup of pederast priests was fine with him; an open pride in one's eros is not.

these christo-neanderthals have evolved an elaborate theology of disdain, a cold loathing, a tax-exempt campaign of derision, using the cross as a battering ram, a billyclub. it is shabby, medieval, irreligious.

but what really frosts them is simpler: two boys kissing. and happy to do so.

so we will ignore them and have our genial saturday saturnalia, our music and speeches, our affections and celebration, our friends, our history, our lovers, our pride, our lives.

Friday, June 8, 2007

whirled news now

libby's next leaks in federal pen
neocons shed crockodile tears

a bush-appointed no-bullshit judge sentenced mr. libby to two and a half years in federal prison tuesday. an ashen-faced scooter commented afterward, "im too old to be a punk in a bunk."

a passel of supportive letters from such as wolfie, kissie, and rummy did not sway the judge. president bush is rumored to be polishing another medal of freedom for yet one more disgraced underling. judge wilson delayed scooter's going-to-jail moment in order to guffaw some more over the stack of touchingly absurd letters.

federal prisoner teara newone commented, "i've already bid four packs of kools to get scooter to scoot into my bunk." federal officials suspected a prison bidding war may break out to obtain mr. libby's sexual services.

paris hilton had no comment.

court ok's flying fucks and shit
fcc lively lingo liberated

a trash-talking federal court yesterday nixed the federal communication commission's ban on nasty words over the air. reading his decision from the bench, judge leonard bruce noted, "the fcc's stringent approach and gigantic fines for dirty words were way out of bounds. so fuck that shit."

paris hilton did have a comment but we won't print it.

bush impales vlad

en route to heilgendamm (german for "place of holy hell") to give chancellor merkel another backrub at the g8 summit, president missile shield lashed out at russian leader putin. with cowboy directness, bush decried putin's news manipulation, threats to other countries, vote suppression, saber rattling, and coziness with big business, "the kinda stuff i'd never let happen in the u.s."

condileeza rice had a comment, but it was about paris hilton.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

trump tower baghdad

the state department today announced that the vast $600 million u.s. baghdad embassy will be privatized. the equity firm of trump, chump and dump, l.l.p. is the likely buyer.

the donald outlined his plans for this "unprecedentedly fabulous makeover" at a press conference in the sultanate of oman.

"we'll make this a stunning new mecca." trump crowed. "imagine a sultry night in the new baghdad," he exuded, "when the orchestra strikes up the 1812 overture, we won't even need our own cannons. the danger and glamour of this city on the tigris will supercharge the world-weary paparazzi."

luxury suites will be fitted with grenade-proof shutters, korans, and prada gas masks.

the "shock and awe" disco's indoor pyrotechnics will replicate the sumptuous danger of a baghdad gone wild. enjoy apocalyptic dancing till dawn.

waiters dressed in silk crusader outfits will flit table to table through a dozen luxury restaurants. armani clothed patrons can indulge such delicacies as shishkabob al quaida, fallujah flambe with freedom fries, and tempting shiite on a shingle.

wayne newton will kick off the fun in the enormous boomboom room. he invites you to shake to the beat of the new dance craze, "the mocktada."

huge plasma video screens will feature such classic films as "twelve o'clock high," "dr. strangelove," "the best years of our lives," and "blackhawk down."

trump vowed to hire at least fifty elvis impersonators.

innovative pool wear will include mae west flak vests and and kevlar helmets in imitation of trump's signature mop top hairdo. wet burkha contests happen every tuesday evening.

the "rumsfeld double-down lounge" will provide texas high stakes poker in a relaxed atmosphere of cost overruns and paranoia.

the "thief of baghdad room" will be reserved for pentagon contractors.

wackenbutt corporation will provide beefy armed alcoholics for security.

A state department spokeswoman said, "this ought to give that bearded guy in his cave a coronary."

"this will be the world's most explosive new entertainment venue," trump continued. "we can't promise seventy five virgins and fountains of wine, but this'll come darned close to paradise."

make your will and your reservations now. contact saddamnation airlines for ticket information.

Friday, June 1, 2007

"i misinvaded"

these are the two words i most want to hear from president commander guy's mouth. not misspoke, misstated, misunderestimated, miss thing, or miss accomp.


political ornithologists report a strange sighting in the baghdad area. a large slow avian biped (liebermanis disgustus) has been photographed by a number of observers. its grating squawk, "surge, surge, surge," has been tape recorded. this gross near-extinct creature's flak-vest tan plumage and head crest resembling a doughboy's world war one helmet have elicited global astonishment.

the world wildlife fun added: "this species appears to mix simian and avian physiology in an unseemly brew. such a specimen should be captured and held in a preserve on, say, elba."

a unique grotesquerie for your life list, birders.


all bush-appointed immigration judges should be deported. see how they like it. they can then re-apply for asylum and test their luck.


due to a collapsed tin ceiling in our aging composing room, a guest editorial, "hardliner crybaby," wrongly appeared in the sports section. the incorrect photo and caption gave the impression that representative john boner volunteered to perform as bozo the clown for a ward of quadraplegic iraqi children.

mr. boner, to the best of our knowledge, has never been a freelance clown. he is paid.


if della street could talk:
monica goodling's favorite course at pat robberson's school o' law was called "should jesus have hired perry mason?"


because of exceptionally powerful solar flares affecting electromagnetic transmissions, tuesday's article "learn english good or go home" was mysteriously printed in swedish.



here jerry fallwell lies.
as usual.