Monday, June 25, 2007

buy! buy! bye!

due to a scandalous overstock, our ted haggard bethlehum buttplug stimulator devices have been reduced to an unholy price. get a fundamentalist buzz right up your fundament. its deep vibratory power will en-rapture you. fully washable. none of these have been pre-owned. batteries, lord knows, not included.

the formerly popular freedom fries neocon paperweights are now vastly reduced in price. custom cast from the imprints of grease-sogged taters from the u.s. congress cafeteria. color map of france with red line through it at bottom of paperweight.

we still have several donny rumsfeld simulated iraqi vases available. relive donny's hilarious "i didn't know there were that many vases in iraq" comment during the baghdad looting spree. these six foot high exclusives are specially made for us in vietnam. includes a d.o.d emblem on every one. big enough to hide war plans or a detainee in. call for shipping charges.

everyone wants a gwb43 "commander guy" action figurine. made, naturally, of 100% plastic, our glorious president wears his flight suit with codpiece. accomplish your mission with this patriotic homunculus. includes mini removable wristwatch. grab a few now before bush's reputation shrinks to a size even tinier than this fab figurine.

light up your righty household with one of our marvelous "bill of rights" candles. the actual words of the first ten amendments are clearly readable and sealed into high quality wax. put match to wick and watch those troublesome enlightenment principles go up in smoke. tantalizing brimstone aroma. taunt your liberal neighbors at a candlelit dinner. a perfect gift.

the last of our condi rice dominatrix undies are on sale. available in black only. no deliveries to males, please.

you'll say "i do" to our rick santorum "i married my dog" faux marriage license. exquisitely printed on rag stock redwood bark logged from clear cut national park lands. suitable for framing. simply fill in your and your pooch's name and hang it on your rec room wall. invite your democrat neighbors in and let the laughs begin. note: this item not delivered to massachusetts addresses.

koran in a potty! yes, this 1/2 size ceramic hopper will keep your family in stitches. just press the handle, hear a blast of trombone flatulence followed by a digital flushing sound. the imitation mini koran spins around and around. runs on fourteen d batteries (not included). so knee-slapping you may pee yourself. stand up for your christian faith and flush that shiite away!

last call: our huge colorful "war on christmas" banners are on special. order now by the ton.

this just in: our tony snow "prevaricator podium" comes pre-loaded with 99 boilerplate misleading statements. call your family in for an intimate press conference just like the white house has. press a button and cheesy circumlocutions emerge from stereo speakers. ventriloquize along with tony! volume knob included. quality chipboard construction covered in wood veneer. replica plastic presidential seal glued to podium front. runs on 911 double a batteries.

all these fine wingnut products are delivered to your door in an unarmored humvee. no cod's. no delivery to european union countries.

get these goodies now. remember, no shopping after the rapture.


1 comment:

Rodrigo said...

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