Thursday, June 28, 2007

guantanamo high

president bush today announced the start of "young scholars at guantanamo," a program to place high-achieving, question-asking high school students far from politicians' ears.

yesterday a select group of teenage presidential scholars presented bush with a hand written note signed by 50 of them urging him to outlaw torture and adhere to the geneva conventions.

"this is a cross-cultural initiative to bring our young people into contact with others who find our values kinda different," declared the president. "summer internee, ah, internships will give talented high schoolers a live-in experience at the center of our great justice experiment at guantanamo bay."

whitehouse spokesblonde dana perino echoed bush's enthusiasm. "let's, like, look at this place as more of a campus than a, you know, prison. we're expanding, ah, this whole concept of guantanamo as an education in law and ordure. when, and if, these students return to america, they will, like, come with new perspectives."

some details of the program are beginning to emerge.

special "scholars' cells" are being readied for the first hundred highschoolers chosen. within the lockable door, each room contains dorm-quality furniture, a rubber writing implement, scented stationary, a bible and a belt. specially added is a new halliburton-built "rush and flush" combination potty and radio receiver tuned exclusively to mr. limbaugh's show. (senator leahy today suppoenaed records of the no-bid rush and flush contract.)

extra powerful air conditioning and high-btu heaters are built in. mandatory silent hours and weeks will be enforced.

scholars will receive three hearty meals a day "if they behave."

the curriculum is rumored to include a course in religious jurisprudence, voter caging, a "trainee detainee" intensive with "shackled hands-on direct experience" of gitmo procedures, and abstinence lectures by regents faculty.

some of the advanced reading material includes "the grand inquisitor" by alberto dostoevsky, "heart of darkness," by cheney conrad, "the plague" by rummy camus, "the sunni also rises" by ernest hemimamway, and "nausea" by jean libby sartre.

film nights will feature "the battle of algiers," "detainees of the caribbean," "1984," "fallujah, mon amour," "texas cheneysaw massacre," and "sicko."

tv specials for detainees include "pimp my camel," "sharia and order," and the classic "i love al-lucy."

tony snow exuded, "parents will love this. it's a whacking good chance to see our justice system inaction. discipline combined with correct thinking about the new order is a no-brainer. and it keeps their teens from spending all summer on myspace."

editor silly kristol added "we'd like to get many lefty academics to go south with this effort. they might decide to stay."

in a phone interview, noam chomsky chortled and hung up.

one constitutional scholar commented "this sounds smelly and orwelly. it's more hitler youth than search for truth."

at the conclusion of the study course, students will face oral exams before a military commission to determine if they can leave.


C.S. said...

Now if only you could get the Bush and Cheney kids enrolled!

Dorothy said...

Good words.