the amazing videos of lawyers rumbling with cops in the streets of pakistan should open the eyes of our american legal sluggards. as a useful bit of needed exercise for corpulent corporate attorneys, daily street battles with the politzei would tone flabby bodies and awaken drowsy minds.
caparisoned in their pin-striped three-piece kevlar outfits, briefcases sprouting knives, maces twirling, these sheister shock troops will pour out of hales and dorrs and mix it up with the boys in blue. they could make "300" look like a nancy pillow fight.
if a posse of flame queens can embarrass the new york tactical police at the stonewall inn, surely our butch perry masons can give the mary blue gowns a whuppin.
watching the evening news will be a sport again.
******
current tv shows videos of waterboarding.
u.s. soldiers were court martialed for waterboarding suspects in the phillipines after the spanish american war.
japanese soldiers were sent to jail in tokyo trials after world war two.
a texas cop got ten years for waterboarding prisoners in the 1980s.
yet sen. shumer (d-no nuts) and sen. feinstein (d-wax museum) join nine republican colleagues and vote to approve judge mukasey as the new alberto gonzales lite to head the ruins of the u.s. justice department. mukasey just can't bring himself to say that waterboarding is torture.
another chunk is whacked off the statue of liberty.
all wildeans urge you to mail these senators: an orange jump suit, a blindfold, shackles, and a gallon of poland springs. try it out yourselves, senators. see how you like it.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
move on and fuck off
the senate this week voted more time-wasting and self-righteous resolutions than a southern baptist theological conclave. the menu included the "fuck off, move on" strangling of free speech resolution and the "bomb iran, part dieu" dessert course.
suckers ever, dems always fall for these liebermanian effusions.
this is the new role of the united states senate - an irrelevant jawing gaggle producing inane policy statements - an endless blusterthon, a c-span of f-troops, a b-list of a-holes; profiles in dotage.
next up they will take a wide stance debating the "times traitor prevention" act, the vital "britney haircut authorization" act, and the "spit shine the generals' boots" act.
these are "sense of the senate" resolutions.
when has this senate had any sense?
mister a. blister ray
unpronounceable, necktieless iranguy flew khomeni air into the big app this week. the reception was not sweet and delicious.
his visit pumped the hysterical bloviatariat to f-16 decibel levels. talking mouths foamed. op-eds goebbelsed. a college president became bill o'reilly.
we're re-entering september, 1939: "the poles are creating intolerable provocations against the glorious new order."
the bush admin readies the rollout of their blockbuster new hit "burkhaville blitzkrieg." coming soon to a war theater near you.
all of us vs. mall of u.s.
ken burns' war, showing on pbs, unlike bush's war, lacks a dipshit president, a jerkoff general staff, and an uninvolved citizenry.
and no disney world to fly to.
what was wrong with them back then?
was there no syntacticly challenged frat boy chief exec oozed in by a corrupt supreme court?
no minimum-wage army led by a covey of disposable lapdog generals?
no saponaceous cheering section plumping consumer excess?
no no-bid contracts?
they saved aluminum, steel, rubber? voluntarily?
they rationed gasoline?
they drafted people?
they were unified?
they sacrificed?
they won?
what a quaint old war.
suckers ever, dems always fall for these liebermanian effusions.
this is the new role of the united states senate - an irrelevant jawing gaggle producing inane policy statements - an endless blusterthon, a c-span of f-troops, a b-list of a-holes; profiles in dotage.
next up they will take a wide stance debating the "times traitor prevention" act, the vital "britney haircut authorization" act, and the "spit shine the generals' boots" act.
these are "sense of the senate" resolutions.
when has this senate had any sense?
mister a. blister ray
unpronounceable, necktieless iranguy flew khomeni air into the big app this week. the reception was not sweet and delicious.
his visit pumped the hysterical bloviatariat to f-16 decibel levels. talking mouths foamed. op-eds goebbelsed. a college president became bill o'reilly.
we're re-entering september, 1939: "the poles are creating intolerable provocations against the glorious new order."
the bush admin readies the rollout of their blockbuster new hit "burkhaville blitzkrieg." coming soon to a war theater near you.
all of us vs. mall of u.s.
ken burns' war, showing on pbs, unlike bush's war, lacks a dipshit president, a jerkoff general staff, and an uninvolved citizenry.
and no disney world to fly to.
what was wrong with them back then?
was there no syntacticly challenged frat boy chief exec oozed in by a corrupt supreme court?
no minimum-wage army led by a covey of disposable lapdog generals?
no saponaceous cheering section plumping consumer excess?
no no-bid contracts?
they saved aluminum, steel, rubber? voluntarily?
they rationed gasoline?
they drafted people?
they were unified?
they sacrificed?
they won?
what a quaint old war.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
senator handjob
larry craig sashayed back into the u.s. senate this week wearing a darling gray suit, black tasselled wide stance loafers, and a lavender tie with oscar wilde's visage on it. he was not greeted with sassy air kisses by miss mitch and miss lindsey. they gave craig (r-idaho') the hrrrmmph treatment.
or maybe not.
we do know that the men's room of larry's infame has become a sudden tourist destination. digicams and cell phones frame faces by the wc door. inside, photohogs jockey for position at the row of stalls. was he behind the the sixth or seventh door? isn't there a brass plaque yet? can paid tours be far behind?
we can only guess when the musky allure of tea room frolics first raised larry's wanger. was it when, farm fresh at peckerwood junior college, he noticed the oval hole in a stall divider? or at a religious school (even hotter), st. peter of the second coming, let us say, where when not swallowing religious dogma, blond students ingested something more secular and creamy?
perhaps little larry dreamed of a life like j. edgar hoover's. a life of czar-like power, living with a butch g-man, the silk dresses locked securely away, shameful urges wrapped in ruthlessness.
did he respond to the mysterious bond between the lone ranger (the masked man) and tonto? or the erotic spark of robin for batman (two more in masks with day identities)?
or was larry a late cummer? did he miss the demimondaine of school dickdom utterly? was it the boredom, the unfulfillingness of midlife, the locked longings that fired his toilet travels? was he a prisoner of hardons and risk?
larry will never tell us.
and that is the sepulchral silence of the closet.
when larry was of college age a rabble of queens battled new york cops for several nights running. they gave the tactical police a street shaming. gay liberation was born.
suppose larry had been inspired by this rebellion. with his intelligence and eloquence, his drive for power, he might have become a national figure for freedom.
but larry became a moldy closet queen. a moldy closet queen in denial. a right-wing moldy closet queen.
and so, like j. edgar, like mark foley, like others, larry put on rectitude and played pocket pool. false face must hide what false heart doth know.
a human waste.
a dead man walking.
or maybe not.
we do know that the men's room of larry's infame has become a sudden tourist destination. digicams and cell phones frame faces by the wc door. inside, photohogs jockey for position at the row of stalls. was he behind the the sixth or seventh door? isn't there a brass plaque yet? can paid tours be far behind?
we can only guess when the musky allure of tea room frolics first raised larry's wanger. was it when, farm fresh at peckerwood junior college, he noticed the oval hole in a stall divider? or at a religious school (even hotter), st. peter of the second coming, let us say, where when not swallowing religious dogma, blond students ingested something more secular and creamy?
perhaps little larry dreamed of a life like j. edgar hoover's. a life of czar-like power, living with a butch g-man, the silk dresses locked securely away, shameful urges wrapped in ruthlessness.
did he respond to the mysterious bond between the lone ranger (the masked man) and tonto? or the erotic spark of robin for batman (two more in masks with day identities)?
or was larry a late cummer? did he miss the demimondaine of school dickdom utterly? was it the boredom, the unfulfillingness of midlife, the locked longings that fired his toilet travels? was he a prisoner of hardons and risk?
larry will never tell us.
and that is the sepulchral silence of the closet.
when larry was of college age a rabble of queens battled new york cops for several nights running. they gave the tactical police a street shaming. gay liberation was born.
suppose larry had been inspired by this rebellion. with his intelligence and eloquence, his drive for power, he might have become a national figure for freedom.
but larry became a moldy closet queen. a moldy closet queen in denial. a right-wing moldy closet queen.
and so, like j. edgar, like mark foley, like others, larry put on rectitude and played pocket pool. false face must hide what false heart doth know.
a human waste.
a dead man walking.
Friday, August 17, 2007
a miami jury convicted american citizen jose padilla of thinking about doing something nasty to people overseas. or something along those lines. mr. padilla was dragged off a plane years ago, accused of plotting to explode a dirty bomb (don't such people wash their c4 before using?), declared an enemy combatant by president brushcut, hauled to a brig, and forced to watch all the "i love lucy" episodes forwards and backwards, dubbed into norwegian, for three years. in other words, he was tortured.
the actual conditions of padilla's confinement and interrogations were not allowed to be discussed at his trial. from many sources we can surmise that mr. padilla's govmint handling included: total isolation, intolerable loud music (the "koresh cantata"), injections of weird drugs, heating and super cooling of his cell, no sunlight, bouts of continuous interrogation, and no visits from paris hilton.
padilla was brought to trial as the supreme court edged closer to forcing the administration to release him. a ruling that "enemy combatants" was an illegal category would have closed down the fun times at gitmo.
today's papers should trumpet padilla's conviction as a triumph for bush justice. and for junior alberto, our quaint attorney general. and render these years of mistreatment perfectly legal.
so, let me tender a suggestion to senator leahy's senate committee. to improve alberto gonzales' memory and soften his attitude problem, let's give him the (perfectly legal) padilla treatment before his next visit with leahy's committee. there must be a dark dungeon somewhere in our nation's capital for rent at a modest sum. we have a number of ex-cia guys who'd volunteer time as an interrogation tag team. god knows there are enough awful cd's to serenade gonzo at extreme volume. for public information purposes we can video some of the fun and pop it on youtube. why gonzo might confess to more stuff than that rumpled sheik mohammed dope.
how the hell else are we going to get the truth from this confederation of clowns?
the actual conditions of padilla's confinement and interrogations were not allowed to be discussed at his trial. from many sources we can surmise that mr. padilla's govmint handling included: total isolation, intolerable loud music (the "koresh cantata"), injections of weird drugs, heating and super cooling of his cell, no sunlight, bouts of continuous interrogation, and no visits from paris hilton.
padilla was brought to trial as the supreme court edged closer to forcing the administration to release him. a ruling that "enemy combatants" was an illegal category would have closed down the fun times at gitmo.
today's papers should trumpet padilla's conviction as a triumph for bush justice. and for junior alberto, our quaint attorney general. and render these years of mistreatment perfectly legal.
so, let me tender a suggestion to senator leahy's senate committee. to improve alberto gonzales' memory and soften his attitude problem, let's give him the (perfectly legal) padilla treatment before his next visit with leahy's committee. there must be a dark dungeon somewhere in our nation's capital for rent at a modest sum. we have a number of ex-cia guys who'd volunteer time as an interrogation tag team. god knows there are enough awful cd's to serenade gonzo at extreme volume. for public information purposes we can video some of the fun and pop it on youtube. why gonzo might confess to more stuff than that rumpled sheik mohammed dope.
how the hell else are we going to get the truth from this confederation of clowns?
Monday, August 6, 2007
josefina's livingroom
a marvelous woman has passed from us. josefina yanguas, after 90 rich years, died this week.
barely five feet tall, her spirit was large as the mountains surrounding her native pamplona, spain. founder and presiding genius of the cafe pamplona, josefina's hospitality embraced nobel winners, teachers, readers, conversationalists, students. you were always her guest, not just a customer. many pamplona guests have been warmly loyal for decades.
in the cellar of her barn-red home she wove a josefina sized nest of friends, warmth, coffee and media noches. i have lingered thirty winters there and thirty summers savored the bright outdoor patio. i have drunk enough coffee there to thrombose a balzac. i have made fleeting friends and lifetime friends, read novels, newspapers, neruda. her cafe has given me half a lifetime of pleasure.
near the end josefina told a friend, "miss no pleasure. miss nothing." to me, she once said, "live with no fear."
miss nothing. no fear.
goodbye, courageous heart, gooddbye.
barely five feet tall, her spirit was large as the mountains surrounding her native pamplona, spain. founder and presiding genius of the cafe pamplona, josefina's hospitality embraced nobel winners, teachers, readers, conversationalists, students. you were always her guest, not just a customer. many pamplona guests have been warmly loyal for decades.
in the cellar of her barn-red home she wove a josefina sized nest of friends, warmth, coffee and media noches. i have lingered thirty winters there and thirty summers savored the bright outdoor patio. i have drunk enough coffee there to thrombose a balzac. i have made fleeting friends and lifetime friends, read novels, newspapers, neruda. her cafe has given me half a lifetime of pleasure.
near the end josefina told a friend, "miss no pleasure. miss nothing." to me, she once said, "live with no fear."
miss nothing. no fear.
goodbye, courageous heart, gooddbye.
ODE TO THE CAFE PAMPLONA
Womb of friends, conversations, books,
Marrow-cellar of human moods,
Door into feeling,
Iberian light slice,
I come to celebrate your seasons.
In June church shade
Or under September stars,
Reading Cervantes in the sun,
Unamuno by the rushing Dudley bus,
Lorca near your winter stove,
I have knit my soul to Spain here.
Speak to me your
Shaly consonants and grassy vowels,
Canciones earth-bright in your passionate home tongue.
When your steam machine roars
I hear bulls thunder through holy Pamplona.
Your caffeine music kindles my veins.
And your waiters - wonderful!
Generations, torrents, encyclopedias
Of waiters have rivered my years.
So I give you my praise song
Scratched within your cloud-white basement walls
My sweet space,
Hearth within my heart.
Bless all your twelve tables,
Rich calendar of my delight.
D.H. Brennan
Womb of friends, conversations, books,
Marrow-cellar of human moods,
Door into feeling,
Iberian light slice,
I come to celebrate your seasons.
In June church shade
Or under September stars,
Reading Cervantes in the sun,
Unamuno by the rushing Dudley bus,
Lorca near your winter stove,
I have knit my soul to Spain here.
Speak to me your
Shaly consonants and grassy vowels,
Canciones earth-bright in your passionate home tongue.
When your steam machine roars
I hear bulls thunder through holy Pamplona.
Your caffeine music kindles my veins.
And your waiters - wonderful!
Generations, torrents, encyclopedias
Of waiters have rivered my years.
So I give you my praise song
Scratched within your cloud-white basement walls
My sweet space,
Hearth within my heart.
Bless all your twelve tables,
Rich calendar of my delight.
D.H. Brennan
Saturday, July 21, 2007
american slapshots
at midnight crowds exit a borders with capes, wands and magus caps. across the street on the church terrace the homeless under horse blankets sleep.
***
george w. bush toured a bun factory in nashville. president doughboy quipped "you guys are really making some serious bread here."
on saturday bush's buns will be parted during a colonoscopy. the pres will be under anesthesia (boosting his i.q. significantly). under section 3 of the 25th amendment to the u.s. constitution dick cheney will be acting president. enjoy your weekend knowing an unconscious buttbrain will be replaced by a true asshole.
***
fema (fubar emergency manglement ass.) has generously offered its services for republican senators' next all night filibuster. instead of a room cluttered with rolled-in cots, fema is importing their fab femameldahyde portable trailers for the solons' sleeping pleasure. they can now fume among the aromatic fumes emanating from the pressed wood chipboard interiors so beloved by new orleans expats.
chinese contractors will provide free toothpaste and bottles of cough syrup brewed according to their special secret formulas. the national security agency will install telephone and email service as part of their total info awareness plan. blackwater will handle security. an autographed copy of "the sayings of newt gingrich" will rest on each pillow.
a spokeslug for acme trailer enterprises declared "these senators look like they've been soaking in formeldahyde for eons, so a whiff or two of fumes won't make no difference."
***
fred of hollywood is announcing its new line of "vitter diapers." their slogan: "hook 'er with our ragin cajun undies exclusives."
to get the balls rolling, fred is sending all male u.s. senators a box of a dozen starter dipes. "we'd like to do some photo shoot sessions with the senators during their next filibuster pajama party all nighter," said a public relations agent.
no senators or their staff would comment. michael moore said "we already know they're full of crap."
***
***
george w. bush toured a bun factory in nashville. president doughboy quipped "you guys are really making some serious bread here."
on saturday bush's buns will be parted during a colonoscopy. the pres will be under anesthesia (boosting his i.q. significantly). under section 3 of the 25th amendment to the u.s. constitution dick cheney will be acting president. enjoy your weekend knowing an unconscious buttbrain will be replaced by a true asshole.
***
fema (fubar emergency manglement ass.) has generously offered its services for republican senators' next all night filibuster. instead of a room cluttered with rolled-in cots, fema is importing their fab femameldahyde portable trailers for the solons' sleeping pleasure. they can now fume among the aromatic fumes emanating from the pressed wood chipboard interiors so beloved by new orleans expats.
chinese contractors will provide free toothpaste and bottles of cough syrup brewed according to their special secret formulas. the national security agency will install telephone and email service as part of their total info awareness plan. blackwater will handle security. an autographed copy of "the sayings of newt gingrich" will rest on each pillow.
a spokeslug for acme trailer enterprises declared "these senators look like they've been soaking in formeldahyde for eons, so a whiff or two of fumes won't make no difference."
***
fred of hollywood is announcing its new line of "vitter diapers." their slogan: "hook 'er with our ragin cajun undies exclusives."
to get the balls rolling, fred is sending all male u.s. senators a box of a dozen starter dipes. "we'd like to do some photo shoot sessions with the senators during their next filibuster pajama party all nighter," said a public relations agent.
no senators or their staff would comment. michael moore said "we already know they're full of crap."
***
Friday, July 20, 2007
money doesn't talk it swears
the american rich.
the sunday new york times graciously slaps us notes of their croesus overplus of buckos, their history, their gargantuan self-regard. their wealth just sorta happened in a lucky lottery ticket way.
get over your attitude that they are takers, rapers, greed fuehrers. no - good luck, puritan application and their inherent virtue won the day and the yachts.
just ask them about their virtue. "god gave me my money," croaks john d. rockefeller. andrew carnegie writes "the gospel of wealth." their money is holy. your dough is filth; theirs sits at the right hand of god. on their sistene ceiling god slips adam a platinum credit card.
carnegie squeezed the life out of his workers. that's ok - andrew dotted the dales with libraries.
frick was a prick. but willya look at his museum of goyas.
john d's legacy? you can watch the rockettes.
just ask them: the rich have civilized us. please kiss their tasselled loafers.
they dwell in their silver aeries, reward of their holiness. you cringe in a rip-off basement apartment because you suck. jesus ain't put the healing touch on your bank o' america account.
black limos glide them to meetings in walnut rooms. your rusty honda won't start.
they buy their own islands. you get an afternoon at revere beach, sunburned, gnawing cold pizza.
they bid on warhols in london and geneva. you can't pay piano lessons for your kid.
they are wheeled through quadruple bypasses. you linger in the emergency room with an infected cut, waiting.
they run the world. your son is back from iraq with no legs.
all wealthocracies create a religion of owning. they infect every organ of society. they corrupt legislators (delay, abramoff). laws apply not to them (scooter is free). taxes are for suckers (warren buffet's secretary forks over a greater income percentage than the billionaire does). all media is for specious frippery and power worship (p. hilton, brit hume). add a mercenary army of the poor to extend their reich (name one senator's son on duty in baghdad).
their gospel of wealth is a theology of theft.
the sunday new york times graciously slaps us notes of their croesus overplus of buckos, their history, their gargantuan self-regard. their wealth just sorta happened in a lucky lottery ticket way.
get over your attitude that they are takers, rapers, greed fuehrers. no - good luck, puritan application and their inherent virtue won the day and the yachts.
just ask them about their virtue. "god gave me my money," croaks john d. rockefeller. andrew carnegie writes "the gospel of wealth." their money is holy. your dough is filth; theirs sits at the right hand of god. on their sistene ceiling god slips adam a platinum credit card.
carnegie squeezed the life out of his workers. that's ok - andrew dotted the dales with libraries.
frick was a prick. but willya look at his museum of goyas.
john d's legacy? you can watch the rockettes.
just ask them: the rich have civilized us. please kiss their tasselled loafers.
they dwell in their silver aeries, reward of their holiness. you cringe in a rip-off basement apartment because you suck. jesus ain't put the healing touch on your bank o' america account.
black limos glide them to meetings in walnut rooms. your rusty honda won't start.
they buy their own islands. you get an afternoon at revere beach, sunburned, gnawing cold pizza.
they bid on warhols in london and geneva. you can't pay piano lessons for your kid.
they are wheeled through quadruple bypasses. you linger in the emergency room with an infected cut, waiting.
they run the world. your son is back from iraq with no legs.
all wealthocracies create a religion of owning. they infect every organ of society. they corrupt legislators (delay, abramoff). laws apply not to them (scooter is free). taxes are for suckers (warren buffet's secretary forks over a greater income percentage than the billionaire does). all media is for specious frippery and power worship (p. hilton, brit hume). add a mercenary army of the poor to extend their reich (name one senator's son on duty in baghdad).
their gospel of wealth is a theology of theft.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
martin murdered again
we know their decision. we read the words. now we wonder how the words change the climate of our living.
the 1954 brown decision held a hand up out of the abyss of humiliation that was segregation and altered america.
but where to now?
justice breyer: "this cannot be justified. [the court] distorts precedent, misapplies the relevant constitutional principles...and it undermines brown's promise. this is a decision the nation will come to regret."
"i must dissent."
jack greenberg, who worked for the plaintiffs in 1954: "preposterous."
william t. coleman, another lawyer 53 years back: "the majority opinion is 100% wrong."
five men have cracked open a half century of law. what will come out of this wreckage? is this a soft entry into the new white supremacy? have these five forgotten the police batons, the snarling dogs, the fire hoses, the noose and the fire? will this decision choke our air like a malign smog?
martin luther king, jr. preached: "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." our everywhere includes a million desks in 50,000 schools. our everywhere encompasses karl rove's blackberry, alberto gonzales' hidden papers, dick cheney's locked safe, the moldy wards of walter reed, the secret spying, and yes, the blooded streets of baghdad.
injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
will the vile past presage a dire future? we visited the deep south and asked 88 year old elmore peckerwood of stonewall junction. "good decision? hell, yeah. i'm bringin out the ole seperate water fountains from out back. we'll have three bubblers this time around - one white, one black, and one fer them mexies."
across the county in lee's landing,elderly clarence neckchafe remarked "glad ta see them librals gettin hosed again. i say the judge thomas is my kinda nigra. i think that ole chicken coop over thar what use ta be the colored school could be spruced up and put ta use again."
our final trek to the past occured in a dim parlor at the home of famous tia fonia, renowned psychic and seance mistress. after long dark silence a wavering ectoplasmic figure appeared. we gasped. it was the 1963 specter of george c. wallace appearing in a doorway. the ghost stiffened and shrieked "re-segregation now! re-segregation forever!"
the 1954 brown decision held a hand up out of the abyss of humiliation that was segregation and altered america.
but where to now?
justice breyer: "this cannot be justified. [the court] distorts precedent, misapplies the relevant constitutional principles...and it undermines brown's promise. this is a decision the nation will come to regret."
"i must dissent."
jack greenberg, who worked for the plaintiffs in 1954: "preposterous."
william t. coleman, another lawyer 53 years back: "the majority opinion is 100% wrong."
five men have cracked open a half century of law. what will come out of this wreckage? is this a soft entry into the new white supremacy? have these five forgotten the police batons, the snarling dogs, the fire hoses, the noose and the fire? will this decision choke our air like a malign smog?
martin luther king, jr. preached: "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." our everywhere includes a million desks in 50,000 schools. our everywhere encompasses karl rove's blackberry, alberto gonzales' hidden papers, dick cheney's locked safe, the moldy wards of walter reed, the secret spying, and yes, the blooded streets of baghdad.
injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
will the vile past presage a dire future? we visited the deep south and asked 88 year old elmore peckerwood of stonewall junction. "good decision? hell, yeah. i'm bringin out the ole seperate water fountains from out back. we'll have three bubblers this time around - one white, one black, and one fer them mexies."
across the county in lee's landing,elderly clarence neckchafe remarked "glad ta see them librals gettin hosed again. i say the judge thomas is my kinda nigra. i think that ole chicken coop over thar what use ta be the colored school could be spruced up and put ta use again."
our final trek to the past occured in a dim parlor at the home of famous tia fonia, renowned psychic and seance mistress. after long dark silence a wavering ectoplasmic figure appeared. we gasped. it was the 1963 specter of george c. wallace appearing in a doorway. the ghost stiffened and shrieked "re-segregation now! re-segregation forever!"
Thursday, June 28, 2007
guantanamo high
president bush today announced the start of "young scholars at guantanamo," a program to place high-achieving, question-asking high school students far from politicians' ears.
yesterday a select group of teenage presidential scholars presented bush with a hand written note signed by 50 of them urging him to outlaw torture and adhere to the geneva conventions.
"this is a cross-cultural initiative to bring our young people into contact with others who find our values kinda different," declared the president. "summer internee, ah, internships will give talented high schoolers a live-in experience at the center of our great justice experiment at guantanamo bay."
whitehouse spokesblonde dana perino echoed bush's enthusiasm. "let's, like, look at this place as more of a campus than a, you know, prison. we're expanding, ah, this whole concept of guantanamo as an education in law and ordure. when, and if, these students return to america, they will, like, come with new perspectives."
some details of the program are beginning to emerge.
special "scholars' cells" are being readied for the first hundred highschoolers chosen. within the lockable door, each room contains dorm-quality furniture, a rubber writing implement, scented stationary, a bible and a belt. specially added is a new halliburton-built "rush and flush" combination potty and radio receiver tuned exclusively to mr. limbaugh's show. (senator leahy today suppoenaed records of the no-bid rush and flush contract.)
extra powerful air conditioning and high-btu heaters are built in. mandatory silent hours and weeks will be enforced.
scholars will receive three hearty meals a day "if they behave."
the curriculum is rumored to include a course in religious jurisprudence, voter caging, a "trainee detainee" intensive with "shackled hands-on direct experience" of gitmo procedures, and abstinence lectures by regents faculty.
some of the advanced reading material includes "the grand inquisitor" by alberto dostoevsky, "heart of darkness," by cheney conrad, "the plague" by rummy camus, "the sunni also rises" by ernest hemimamway, and "nausea" by jean libby sartre.
film nights will feature "the battle of algiers," "detainees of the caribbean," "1984," "fallujah, mon amour," "texas cheneysaw massacre," and "sicko."
tv specials for detainees include "pimp my camel," "sharia and order," and the classic "i love al-lucy."
tony snow exuded, "parents will love this. it's a whacking good chance to see our justice system inaction. discipline combined with correct thinking about the new order is a no-brainer. and it keeps their teens from spending all summer on myspace."
editor silly kristol added "we'd like to get many lefty academics to go south with this effort. they might decide to stay."
in a phone interview, noam chomsky chortled and hung up.
one constitutional scholar commented "this sounds smelly and orwelly. it's more hitler youth than search for truth."
at the conclusion of the study course, students will face oral exams before a military commission to determine if they can leave.
yesterday a select group of teenage presidential scholars presented bush with a hand written note signed by 50 of them urging him to outlaw torture and adhere to the geneva conventions.
"this is a cross-cultural initiative to bring our young people into contact with others who find our values kinda different," declared the president. "summer internee, ah, internships will give talented high schoolers a live-in experience at the center of our great justice experiment at guantanamo bay."
whitehouse spokesblonde dana perino echoed bush's enthusiasm. "let's, like, look at this place as more of a campus than a, you know, prison. we're expanding, ah, this whole concept of guantanamo as an education in law and ordure. when, and if, these students return to america, they will, like, come with new perspectives."
some details of the program are beginning to emerge.
special "scholars' cells" are being readied for the first hundred highschoolers chosen. within the lockable door, each room contains dorm-quality furniture, a rubber writing implement, scented stationary, a bible and a belt. specially added is a new halliburton-built "rush and flush" combination potty and radio receiver tuned exclusively to mr. limbaugh's show. (senator leahy today suppoenaed records of the no-bid rush and flush contract.)
extra powerful air conditioning and high-btu heaters are built in. mandatory silent hours and weeks will be enforced.
scholars will receive three hearty meals a day "if they behave."
the curriculum is rumored to include a course in religious jurisprudence, voter caging, a "trainee detainee" intensive with "shackled hands-on direct experience" of gitmo procedures, and abstinence lectures by regents faculty.
some of the advanced reading material includes "the grand inquisitor" by alberto dostoevsky, "heart of darkness," by cheney conrad, "the plague" by rummy camus, "the sunni also rises" by ernest hemimamway, and "nausea" by jean libby sartre.
film nights will feature "the battle of algiers," "detainees of the caribbean," "1984," "fallujah, mon amour," "texas cheneysaw massacre," and "sicko."
tv specials for detainees include "pimp my camel," "sharia and order," and the classic "i love al-lucy."
tony snow exuded, "parents will love this. it's a whacking good chance to see our justice system inaction. discipline combined with correct thinking about the new order is a no-brainer. and it keeps their teens from spending all summer on myspace."
editor silly kristol added "we'd like to get many lefty academics to go south with this effort. they might decide to stay."
in a phone interview, noam chomsky chortled and hung up.
one constitutional scholar commented "this sounds smelly and orwelly. it's more hitler youth than search for truth."
at the conclusion of the study course, students will face oral exams before a military commission to determine if they can leave.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
club gitmo
someone named morris d. davis, chief prosecutor of the department of defense's office of military commissions, wrote yesterday's feature op-ed piece in the times called "the guantanamo i know" and asks "why close a detainee camp that is fair and humane?"
would the same newspaper in 1944 have run an editorial by adolf eichmann lauding his concentration camps as comfy "hitler hiltons"?
would the same newspaper in 1944 have run an editorial by adolf eichmann lauding his concentration camps as comfy "hitler hiltons"?
c.i.a. laugh in
just released - 702 pages covering decades of c.i.a. illegalities.
picture an agency that is a mix of acme spy school and wild bill donovan clown college.
after their lemon juice by lightbulb training, their advanced emmet kelly makeup and plastic nose courses, agents whined about having to grow long hair to infiltrate the peace movement (the vietnam one). no doubt they charged their tie dyed shirts and paisley bell bottoms to the agency. imagine these homuncular hippies listening to the strawberry alarm clock and the monkees to get in the groove for subversion, flashing their mood-decoder rings. did their haight ashbury extreme makeovers convulse their teenage sons?
after decades of trying to disappear castro's beard perhaps our spies can work on finding paris hilton's undies.
spookland kept their little sherlocks busy.
it's a lot of hoofing and typing (indeed a rose mary woods stretch) to compile an index of 300,000 names of american citizens and organizations.
where did the agency get the weird drugs they tried out on the unsuspecting? hand me the c.i.a. golden triangle heroin file please, general hayden.
"project mockingbird" wiretapped washington news reporters.
the spysters overthrew and assassinated foreign leaders.
they were happy to hire mobsters to multiply mayhem.
they detained and tortured. they harassed singing stars. they broke into offices. they steamed open mail. they're reading this blog.
they are the american stasi.
in the 1960's the agency tried to bug a las vegas hotel room to find out if a mobster's moll was schtupping comedian dan rowan. there's a laugh in for you.
e. howard hunt, of watergate infamy, achieves a footnote. one secret c.i.a. memorandum is titled "hunt request a lockpicker." the times reports "it is unclear exactly what lock mr. hunt was trying to open."
it is very clear to me.
he was breaking open the first ten amendments to the constitution and stealing our bill of rights.
picture an agency that is a mix of acme spy school and wild bill donovan clown college.
after their lemon juice by lightbulb training, their advanced emmet kelly makeup and plastic nose courses, agents whined about having to grow long hair to infiltrate the peace movement (the vietnam one). no doubt they charged their tie dyed shirts and paisley bell bottoms to the agency. imagine these homuncular hippies listening to the strawberry alarm clock and the monkees to get in the groove for subversion, flashing their mood-decoder rings. did their haight ashbury extreme makeovers convulse their teenage sons?
after decades of trying to disappear castro's beard perhaps our spies can work on finding paris hilton's undies.
spookland kept their little sherlocks busy.
it's a lot of hoofing and typing (indeed a rose mary woods stretch) to compile an index of 300,000 names of american citizens and organizations.
where did the agency get the weird drugs they tried out on the unsuspecting? hand me the c.i.a. golden triangle heroin file please, general hayden.
"project mockingbird" wiretapped washington news reporters.
the spysters overthrew and assassinated foreign leaders.
they were happy to hire mobsters to multiply mayhem.
they detained and tortured. they harassed singing stars. they broke into offices. they steamed open mail. they're reading this blog.
they are the american stasi.
in the 1960's the agency tried to bug a las vegas hotel room to find out if a mobster's moll was schtupping comedian dan rowan. there's a laugh in for you.
e. howard hunt, of watergate infamy, achieves a footnote. one secret c.i.a. memorandum is titled "hunt request a lockpicker." the times reports "it is unclear exactly what lock mr. hunt was trying to open."
it is very clear to me.
he was breaking open the first ten amendments to the constitution and stealing our bill of rights.
Monday, June 25, 2007
buy! buy! bye!
due to a scandalous overstock, our ted haggard bethlehum buttplug stimulator devices have been reduced to an unholy price. get a fundamentalist buzz right up your fundament. its deep vibratory power will en-rapture you. fully washable. none of these have been pre-owned. batteries, lord knows, not included.
the formerly popular freedom fries neocon paperweights are now vastly reduced in price. custom cast from the imprints of grease-sogged taters from the u.s. congress cafeteria. color map of france with red line through it at bottom of paperweight.
we still have several donny rumsfeld simulated iraqi vases available. relive donny's hilarious "i didn't know there were that many vases in iraq" comment during the baghdad looting spree. these six foot high exclusives are specially made for us in vietnam. includes a d.o.d emblem on every one. big enough to hide war plans or a detainee in. call for shipping charges.
everyone wants a gwb43 "commander guy" action figurine. made, naturally, of 100% plastic, our glorious president wears his flight suit with codpiece. accomplish your mission with this patriotic homunculus. includes mini removable wristwatch. grab a few now before bush's reputation shrinks to a size even tinier than this fab figurine.
light up your righty household with one of our marvelous "bill of rights" candles. the actual words of the first ten amendments are clearly readable and sealed into high quality wax. put match to wick and watch those troublesome enlightenment principles go up in smoke. tantalizing brimstone aroma. taunt your liberal neighbors at a candlelit dinner. a perfect gift.
the last of our condi rice dominatrix undies are on sale. available in black only. no deliveries to males, please.
you'll say "i do" to our rick santorum "i married my dog" faux marriage license. exquisitely printed on rag stock redwood bark logged from clear cut national park lands. suitable for framing. simply fill in your and your pooch's name and hang it on your rec room wall. invite your democrat neighbors in and let the laughs begin. note: this item not delivered to massachusetts addresses.
koran in a potty! yes, this 1/2 size ceramic hopper will keep your family in stitches. just press the handle, hear a blast of trombone flatulence followed by a digital flushing sound. the imitation mini koran spins around and around. runs on fourteen d batteries (not included). so knee-slapping you may pee yourself. stand up for your christian faith and flush that shiite away!
last call: our huge colorful "war on christmas" banners are on special. order now by the ton.
this just in: our tony snow "prevaricator podium" comes pre-loaded with 99 boilerplate misleading statements. call your family in for an intimate press conference just like the white house has. press a button and cheesy circumlocutions emerge from stereo speakers. ventriloquize along with tony! volume knob included. quality chipboard construction covered in wood veneer. replica plastic presidential seal glued to podium front. runs on 911 double a batteries.
all these fine wingnut products are delivered to your door in an unarmored humvee. no cod's. no delivery to european union countries.
get these goodies now. remember, no shopping after the rapture.
the formerly popular freedom fries neocon paperweights are now vastly reduced in price. custom cast from the imprints of grease-sogged taters from the u.s. congress cafeteria. color map of france with red line through it at bottom of paperweight.
we still have several donny rumsfeld simulated iraqi vases available. relive donny's hilarious "i didn't know there were that many vases in iraq" comment during the baghdad looting spree. these six foot high exclusives are specially made for us in vietnam. includes a d.o.d emblem on every one. big enough to hide war plans or a detainee in. call for shipping charges.
everyone wants a gwb43 "commander guy" action figurine. made, naturally, of 100% plastic, our glorious president wears his flight suit with codpiece. accomplish your mission with this patriotic homunculus. includes mini removable wristwatch. grab a few now before bush's reputation shrinks to a size even tinier than this fab figurine.
light up your righty household with one of our marvelous "bill of rights" candles. the actual words of the first ten amendments are clearly readable and sealed into high quality wax. put match to wick and watch those troublesome enlightenment principles go up in smoke. tantalizing brimstone aroma. taunt your liberal neighbors at a candlelit dinner. a perfect gift.
the last of our condi rice dominatrix undies are on sale. available in black only. no deliveries to males, please.
you'll say "i do" to our rick santorum "i married my dog" faux marriage license. exquisitely printed on rag stock redwood bark logged from clear cut national park lands. suitable for framing. simply fill in your and your pooch's name and hang it on your rec room wall. invite your democrat neighbors in and let the laughs begin. note: this item not delivered to massachusetts addresses.
koran in a potty! yes, this 1/2 size ceramic hopper will keep your family in stitches. just press the handle, hear a blast of trombone flatulence followed by a digital flushing sound. the imitation mini koran spins around and around. runs on fourteen d batteries (not included). so knee-slapping you may pee yourself. stand up for your christian faith and flush that shiite away!
last call: our huge colorful "war on christmas" banners are on special. order now by the ton.
this just in: our tony snow "prevaricator podium" comes pre-loaded with 99 boilerplate misleading statements. call your family in for an intimate press conference just like the white house has. press a button and cheesy circumlocutions emerge from stereo speakers. ventriloquize along with tony! volume knob included. quality chipboard construction covered in wood veneer. replica plastic presidential seal glued to podium front. runs on 911 double a batteries.
all these fine wingnut products are delivered to your door in an unarmored humvee. no cod's. no delivery to european union countries.
get these goodies now. remember, no shopping after the rapture.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
profiles in outrage
scooter libby, future maker of license plates, bravura trick-or-treater, amateur roto rooter man, boon buddy to geneva convention busters, slitherer through loopholes, blonde spy outer, convicted liar, whined that his neocon pals' letters may be "mocked by bloggers," and grovels for an appeal.
dear scoot: bananas have a peel; felons not.
scooter might soon have a bigger problem - like his tatooed mammothian new cellmate named "boo."
the muck on our picture of dick cheney accretes the way cheap coats of shellac darken old portraits. his visage looms like some megalo venetian doge, minus the fruity medieval cap.
retreating ever behind layers of secrecy, we can hope he disappears altogether. he has made so much else disappear: the names of his visitors, the minutes of his meetings, the honor of america's constitution.
his underling libby is about to disappear into a federal prison. we hope the veep will soon follow, wherein he can find his colsonian jesus, thwack a bible, re-emerge humbled and saintly, appointed professor of ethics at preacher robertson's toy law school, to sit at the right hand of his bud john ashcroft as they both lecture below the statue of lady justice, whose fulsome paps are chastely cloaked.
general peter pace, sexual moralist, strategist of slaughter, got the westmorelandian boot up his semper fi backside this week. the surgers feel pp's approval hearings in congress might cause "controversy." they might also raise truths. truths of military stupidity, deceit, wastage of american lives, and the evisceration of iraq. we musn't air those camoflage undies for the public to see.
goodbye, alliterative general. a massively overpaid sinecure at a bloated defense contractor no doubt awaits.
hans von spakovsky, a name that rings with teutonic tintinabulation, has played the role of obersturmbahnfuehrer for republican's voter suppression efforts. wherever hans' arsch has sat before desk and phone, african american, native american, and hispanic american voters are sure to have their right to vote thrown into question.
and so - and this is echt bush - our president seeks to appoint hans to the federal election commission. hans' testimony before john conyers' committee was a melding of gonzales impaired memory syndrome and near perjury. appoint the herr consul to liechtenstein and get him out of town.
monica goodling brought a candy striper smile and a jim crow bible to her justice department posts. she is a clear example of the new christo-authoritarian underling - feminine, yet a dogged commissar in alberto gonzales' nkvd "justice" department.
she learned her chops in oppo research (that is, dirty tricks) and voter caging with one of karl rove's trainees. she fired professionals for no reason and replaced them with pliable applicants. she confessed before congress to breaking federal law. she exemplifies racism with an angelic face.
ryan crocker, america's new ambassador to iraq, embodies colin powell's pottery barn rule - he looks already like busted crockery.
to watch this quavering wimpus maximus interviewed from his baghdad bunker was to see the deer in the klieg lights, the visual evidence of what a pants-shitter being in baghdad so malodorously is.
ryan crocker is the don knotts of the green zone.
"ryan of mayberry - baghdad edition" is on the fox network's fall schedule. a warm, sentimental half hour comedy, in addition to crocker, it co-stars jeb bush as sheriff andy, babs bush as aunt b, rumsfeld as floyd the idiot barber, and sanjaya as opie.
can you still whistle the theme song?
dear scoot: bananas have a peel; felons not.
scooter might soon have a bigger problem - like his tatooed mammothian new cellmate named "boo."
the muck on our picture of dick cheney accretes the way cheap coats of shellac darken old portraits. his visage looms like some megalo venetian doge, minus the fruity medieval cap.
retreating ever behind layers of secrecy, we can hope he disappears altogether. he has made so much else disappear: the names of his visitors, the minutes of his meetings, the honor of america's constitution.
his underling libby is about to disappear into a federal prison. we hope the veep will soon follow, wherein he can find his colsonian jesus, thwack a bible, re-emerge humbled and saintly, appointed professor of ethics at preacher robertson's toy law school, to sit at the right hand of his bud john ashcroft as they both lecture below the statue of lady justice, whose fulsome paps are chastely cloaked.
general peter pace, sexual moralist, strategist of slaughter, got the westmorelandian boot up his semper fi backside this week. the surgers feel pp's approval hearings in congress might cause "controversy." they might also raise truths. truths of military stupidity, deceit, wastage of american lives, and the evisceration of iraq. we musn't air those camoflage undies for the public to see.
goodbye, alliterative general. a massively overpaid sinecure at a bloated defense contractor no doubt awaits.
hans von spakovsky, a name that rings with teutonic tintinabulation, has played the role of obersturmbahnfuehrer for republican's voter suppression efforts. wherever hans' arsch has sat before desk and phone, african american, native american, and hispanic american voters are sure to have their right to vote thrown into question.
and so - and this is echt bush - our president seeks to appoint hans to the federal election commission. hans' testimony before john conyers' committee was a melding of gonzales impaired memory syndrome and near perjury. appoint the herr consul to liechtenstein and get him out of town.
monica goodling brought a candy striper smile and a jim crow bible to her justice department posts. she is a clear example of the new christo-authoritarian underling - feminine, yet a dogged commissar in alberto gonzales' nkvd "justice" department.
she learned her chops in oppo research (that is, dirty tricks) and voter caging with one of karl rove's trainees. she fired professionals for no reason and replaced them with pliable applicants. she confessed before congress to breaking federal law. she exemplifies racism with an angelic face.
ryan crocker, america's new ambassador to iraq, embodies colin powell's pottery barn rule - he looks already like busted crockery.
to watch this quavering wimpus maximus interviewed from his baghdad bunker was to see the deer in the klieg lights, the visual evidence of what a pants-shitter being in baghdad so malodorously is.
ryan crocker is the don knotts of the green zone.
"ryan of mayberry - baghdad edition" is on the fox network's fall schedule. a warm, sentimental half hour comedy, in addition to crocker, it co-stars jeb bush as sheriff andy, babs bush as aunt b, rumsfeld as floyd the idiot barber, and sanjaya as opie.
can you still whistle the theme song?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
u.s.a. q and a
q: by what churchillian dudesque coinage does w self-identify?
a: commander guy.
q: through what unlikely anatomical and antigravitational method should iraqis improve themselves?
a: lift themselves up by their bootstraps.
q: in what inverse posture transference will u.s. troops engage?
a: we'll stand down when they stand up.
q: what militaristic come hither have we not heard lately from bush's syntactically challenged lips?
a: bring em on.
q: what koranic himmlerian hyphenation has similarly fallen out of use?
a: islamo-fascists.
q: what hub of malignancy is now never mentioned?
a: axis of evil.
q: by what slavic nickname do whitehousers grace a larger war?
a: surge.
q: what negative interrogatory and tattleless blending is losing favor?
a: don't ask, don't tell.
q: what armani-cocainian word combo dubs w's chief lipmover?
a: tony snow.
q: what tumescent sign tells a prostitute that her client is ready?
a: john boehner.
q: what is a child's description of a bad tasting popsicle?
a: maliki.
q: what medico-messopotamian-madisonian effort has clearly failed?
a: operation iraqi freedom.
q: what exclamatory zeronean urinary group is ruining america?
a: g.o.p.
q: what furry energy-charged orbs do democrats need to rediscover?
a: balls.
q: to which yonder location do you condemn this tiresome questionade?
a: so over.
q: in which direction should i now shut?
a: up.
a: commander guy.
q: through what unlikely anatomical and antigravitational method should iraqis improve themselves?
a: lift themselves up by their bootstraps.
q: in what inverse posture transference will u.s. troops engage?
a: we'll stand down when they stand up.
q: what militaristic come hither have we not heard lately from bush's syntactically challenged lips?
a: bring em on.
q: what koranic himmlerian hyphenation has similarly fallen out of use?
a: islamo-fascists.
q: what hub of malignancy is now never mentioned?
a: axis of evil.
q: by what slavic nickname do whitehousers grace a larger war?
a: surge.
q: what negative interrogatory and tattleless blending is losing favor?
a: don't ask, don't tell.
q: what armani-cocainian word combo dubs w's chief lipmover?
a: tony snow.
q: what tumescent sign tells a prostitute that her client is ready?
a: john boehner.
q: what is a child's description of a bad tasting popsicle?
a: maliki.
q: what medico-messopotamian-madisonian effort has clearly failed?
a: operation iraqi freedom.
q: what exclamatory zeronean urinary group is ruining america?
a: g.o.p.
q: what furry energy-charged orbs do democrats need to rediscover?
a: balls.
q: to which yonder location do you condemn this tiresome questionade?
a: so over.
q: in which direction should i now shut?
a: up.
Friday, June 15, 2007
albanian idol
forget sanjaya.
president timex, although lacking the chia pet hairstyle, waded into adoring crowds in the balkans. it would be a triumph if we could keep him there. and convince cheney to take up the vice presidency of bulgaria to boot. interim president pelosi would be a fresh fill-in until january, 2009.
this administration has alienated the european union, russia, china, and the islamic world. no doubt, even icelanders and tierra del fuegans are pissed off.
but the white house basks in the shiny duo of albania and bulgaria as new buddies. they will doubtless soon join nascar and nato. what witless diplomacy.
we live under an administration at war with three-quarters of its own people, at odds with most of the world, at war with itself, at war with the constitution, at war with cerebration. and of course at war in iraq. all pursued with meathead malignancy.
it's all so versailles i'm surprised bush doesn't dress in sun king robes. with cheney in a cute duc d'orleans outfit of ermine and silk, fitted at an undisclosed herberdashery.
"undisclosed" is the key word for these retrograde romanovs.
look at the cloaca of the undisclosed:
cheney's true role in the outing of valerie plame - undisclosed.
the number and amount of no-bid iraq contracts - undisclosed.
the story of the c.i.a.'s secret prisons, renditions, and torture - undisclosed.
the imprint of karl rove's hand on voter caging, election fraud - undisclosed.
bush's phone call to mrs. ashcroft - undisclosed.
the truth of the u.s. attorney scandal - undisclosed.
the location of alberto gonzo's memory - undisclosed.
the minutes of cheney's energy group meetings - undisclosed.
the fate of joe lieberman's integrity - undisclosed.
the text of the sleazy iraq oil law - undisclosed.
the stolen billions of dollars in baghdad - undisclosed.
the real number and cost of blackwater/wackenhutt soldier/contractors in iraq - undisclosed.
the reason the n.s.a. reads our emails and phone records - undisclosed.
the place of the 5 million missing dept. of justice emails - undisclosed.
the ominous military plans for iran - undisclosed.
any explanation for their cowboy caligulan excesses - undisclosed.
what has been clearly disclosed is the dismemberment of our democracy - it has disappeared down a republican suck hole.
if you want to find the shreds of the american constitution, search the sewers.
president timex, although lacking the chia pet hairstyle, waded into adoring crowds in the balkans. it would be a triumph if we could keep him there. and convince cheney to take up the vice presidency of bulgaria to boot. interim president pelosi would be a fresh fill-in until january, 2009.
this administration has alienated the european union, russia, china, and the islamic world. no doubt, even icelanders and tierra del fuegans are pissed off.
but the white house basks in the shiny duo of albania and bulgaria as new buddies. they will doubtless soon join nascar and nato. what witless diplomacy.
we live under an administration at war with three-quarters of its own people, at odds with most of the world, at war with itself, at war with the constitution, at war with cerebration. and of course at war in iraq. all pursued with meathead malignancy.
it's all so versailles i'm surprised bush doesn't dress in sun king robes. with cheney in a cute duc d'orleans outfit of ermine and silk, fitted at an undisclosed herberdashery.
"undisclosed" is the key word for these retrograde romanovs.
look at the cloaca of the undisclosed:
cheney's true role in the outing of valerie plame - undisclosed.
the number and amount of no-bid iraq contracts - undisclosed.
the story of the c.i.a.'s secret prisons, renditions, and torture - undisclosed.
the imprint of karl rove's hand on voter caging, election fraud - undisclosed.
bush's phone call to mrs. ashcroft - undisclosed.
the truth of the u.s. attorney scandal - undisclosed.
the location of alberto gonzo's memory - undisclosed.
the minutes of cheney's energy group meetings - undisclosed.
the fate of joe lieberman's integrity - undisclosed.
the text of the sleazy iraq oil law - undisclosed.
the stolen billions of dollars in baghdad - undisclosed.
the real number and cost of blackwater/wackenhutt soldier/contractors in iraq - undisclosed.
the reason the n.s.a. reads our emails and phone records - undisclosed.
the place of the 5 million missing dept. of justice emails - undisclosed.
the ominous military plans for iran - undisclosed.
any explanation for their cowboy caligulan excesses - undisclosed.
what has been clearly disclosed is the dismemberment of our democracy - it has disappeared down a republican suck hole.
if you want to find the shreds of the american constitution, search the sewers.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
make love not war
documents released under a freedom of information request reveal the pentagon developed a "gay bomb," a hormonal aerosol mist that when inhaled induced unrestrained homosexual desire among soldiers. the idea was to disrupt enemy formations.
the disruption this time was to u.s. military personnel.
an improperly labeled "gay bomb" cannister leaked the odorless lusty aerosol through barracks, showers and latrines at an undisclosed american military base. "it instantly turned disciplined troops into the village people." declared colonel jack offalott. "sure, we want to build unit cohesion, but we had to separate these guys with crowbars."
"everyone suddenly wanted to bend over and pick up the soap," a participant stated.
"i thought basic training was a workout," said private hy hardone of gay head, martha's vineyard, who was swept up in the frenzy. "this was friggin testoserone city. it was viagra falls."
military police wearing gas masks were sent in to disperse the unprecedented orgy. boomboxes blared judy garland songs. a kickline of naked drill sargeants was led to the brig.
"the ratio of fellatio was very high," said a marine doctor afterwards. "not to mention other things. i never saw so many tired grunts with shit-eating grins. luckily, the effects wore off after a couple of hours. otherwise, we'd need every proctologist in north america."
"they really got corporal with their privates," declared captain jose pinga. "it was like a night in berlin."
the military reacted with shock and awe:
"they couldn't keep pace with their peters," said general peter pace.
one colonel raged, "it ain't called milifairy service."
a navy commander: "effective immediately, seamen's semen is off limits."
"it's not pronounced semper bi," yelled a marine general.
one pentagon male imitator stated, "a private's privates are private."
the defense department has convened a special sodomy squad to investigate. the pentagon remained closemouthed about fellatio.
neither reverend ted haggard nor ex-porn star rod majors could be reached for comment.
a spokesman for representative barney frank laughed so hard he could not answer our queries.
the pentagon is considering renaming fort dix.
the disruption this time was to u.s. military personnel.
an improperly labeled "gay bomb" cannister leaked the odorless lusty aerosol through barracks, showers and latrines at an undisclosed american military base. "it instantly turned disciplined troops into the village people." declared colonel jack offalott. "sure, we want to build unit cohesion, but we had to separate these guys with crowbars."
"everyone suddenly wanted to bend over and pick up the soap," a participant stated.
"i thought basic training was a workout," said private hy hardone of gay head, martha's vineyard, who was swept up in the frenzy. "this was friggin testoserone city. it was viagra falls."
military police wearing gas masks were sent in to disperse the unprecedented orgy. boomboxes blared judy garland songs. a kickline of naked drill sargeants was led to the brig.
"the ratio of fellatio was very high," said a marine doctor afterwards. "not to mention other things. i never saw so many tired grunts with shit-eating grins. luckily, the effects wore off after a couple of hours. otherwise, we'd need every proctologist in north america."
"they really got corporal with their privates," declared captain jose pinga. "it was like a night in berlin."
the military reacted with shock and awe:
"they couldn't keep pace with their peters," said general peter pace.
one colonel raged, "it ain't called milifairy service."
a navy commander: "effective immediately, seamen's semen is off limits."
"it's not pronounced semper bi," yelled a marine general.
one pentagon male imitator stated, "a private's privates are private."
the defense department has convened a special sodomy squad to investigate. the pentagon remained closemouthed about fellatio.
neither reverend ted haggard nor ex-porn star rod majors could be reached for comment.
a spokesman for representative barney frank laughed so hard he could not answer our queries.
the pentagon is considering renaming fort dix.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
neoconia
a recently arisen volcanic island in the pacific was claimed friday in federal court. the private equity firm of rumsfeld, feith, kristol, wolfowitz, abramoff and bolton (pronounced "nambla") filed papers to assume possession.
world leaders were taken aback by the unprecedented move. the as-yet unoccupied cooling atoll will be settled within weeks, sources told us. google servers crashed as web surfers attempted to find the island on google maps.
in a novel move, the new nation will be incorporated as a stock trading company. its nasdaq symbol,"rape," has already been chosen. "we expect to attract oodles of saudi and russian money for this," a chaste manhattan spokeswoman opined.
reaction from united nations members varied. a french diplomat decried "this new right wing vomitorium among palm trees." a swiss representative remained neutral. an undersecretary from venezuela denounced the concept as "tahiti with nukes."
at a sparsely attended press conference in the seychelles, donny rumsfeld announced "you go with the island you have, not the island you'd like to have."
some elements of the new national structure were revealed. a constitution and set of laws (which can be disregarded at will) are being written. the state religion will be beligerant christianity. french restaurants will not be allowed. the capital city will be named rapture.
some personnel have been chosen. john bolton will serve as united nations ambassador. "no pesky congress can queer my appointment now," bolton chided.
douglas feith was named bishop of rapture. "we'll really get feith-based initiatives off to a hell of a start," he quipped.
editor billy kristol will serve as mimister of enlightenment and assistant secretary of war. rumsfeld called the move "a promotion from weakly standard to kristol macht."
paul wolfowitz and his girlfriend plan to arrive via ruppert murdoch's yacht with a party of surveyors and couples counselors, as well as a fox news tv transmitter.
former house speaker tom delay planned to arrive "without delay."
a cryptic blackberry message from abramoff read "able was i ere i saw elba." attorneys have filed a motion to allow abramoff to serve his remaining sentence in the new nation.
scooter libby could not be located for a comment.
"this sounds like a devil's island of felons and bush leaguers," snarled michael moore. "i have a suggestion for their national anthem," he continued, "how about black sabbath's song 'war pigs.'"
world leaders were taken aback by the unprecedented move. the as-yet unoccupied cooling atoll will be settled within weeks, sources told us. google servers crashed as web surfers attempted to find the island on google maps.
in a novel move, the new nation will be incorporated as a stock trading company. its nasdaq symbol,"rape," has already been chosen. "we expect to attract oodles of saudi and russian money for this," a chaste manhattan spokeswoman opined.
reaction from united nations members varied. a french diplomat decried "this new right wing vomitorium among palm trees." a swiss representative remained neutral. an undersecretary from venezuela denounced the concept as "tahiti with nukes."
at a sparsely attended press conference in the seychelles, donny rumsfeld announced "you go with the island you have, not the island you'd like to have."
some elements of the new national structure were revealed. a constitution and set of laws (which can be disregarded at will) are being written. the state religion will be beligerant christianity. french restaurants will not be allowed. the capital city will be named rapture.
some personnel have been chosen. john bolton will serve as united nations ambassador. "no pesky congress can queer my appointment now," bolton chided.
douglas feith was named bishop of rapture. "we'll really get feith-based initiatives off to a hell of a start," he quipped.
editor billy kristol will serve as mimister of enlightenment and assistant secretary of war. rumsfeld called the move "a promotion from weakly standard to kristol macht."
paul wolfowitz and his girlfriend plan to arrive via ruppert murdoch's yacht with a party of surveyors and couples counselors, as well as a fox news tv transmitter.
former house speaker tom delay planned to arrive "without delay."
a cryptic blackberry message from abramoff read "able was i ere i saw elba." attorneys have filed a motion to allow abramoff to serve his remaining sentence in the new nation.
scooter libby could not be located for a comment.
"this sounds like a devil's island of felons and bush leaguers," snarled michael moore. "i have a suggestion for their national anthem," he continued, "how about black sabbath's song 'war pigs.'"
Saturday, June 9, 2007
pride and prejudice
the supreme court of the commonwealth of massachusetts declared that same sex couples have the right to marry, that anything less is a violation of their constitutional rights. the bible bullies, the vituperationists, the multi-divorced family valuers, the abominationists, the virginity commissars have all of course gone gaga.
the governor of the state and the mayor of the state's capital will march in saturday's gay pride parade. tens of thousands more will march with them. you will see more marching lawyers than dykes on bikes. you will see more office workers than leather lennys. you will see more suburban home owners than disco ditzers. you will find that the brazillian float has the best dancers and the best music.
you will not see cardinal o'malley, dozens of whose priests have been marched to court and thence to jail, march. you will not see the vote on marriage people march. you will not see the fundy fulminators march.
you will not find the former cardinal in town. he hied himself and his red hat to the vatican, a step or two ahead of ignominy and a possible felony indictment. a decades-long coverup of pederast priests was fine with him; an open pride in one's eros is not.
these christo-neanderthals have evolved an elaborate theology of disdain, a cold loathing, a tax-exempt campaign of derision, using the cross as a battering ram, a billyclub. it is shabby, medieval, irreligious.
but what really frosts them is simpler: two boys kissing. and happy to do so.
so we will ignore them and have our genial saturday saturnalia, our music and speeches, our affections and celebration, our friends, our history, our lovers, our pride, our lives.
Friday, June 8, 2007
whirled news now
libby's next leaks in federal pen
neocons shed crockodile tears
a bush-appointed no-bullshit judge sentenced mr. libby to two and a half years in federal prison tuesday. an ashen-faced scooter commented afterward, "im too old to be a punk in a bunk."
a passel of supportive letters from such as wolfie, kissie, and rummy did not sway the judge. president bush is rumored to be polishing another medal of freedom for yet one more disgraced underling. judge wilson delayed scooter's going-to-jail moment in order to guffaw some more over the stack of touchingly absurd letters.
federal prisoner teara newone commented, "i've already bid four packs of kools to get scooter to scoot into my bunk." federal officials suspected a prison bidding war may break out to obtain mr. libby's sexual services.
paris hilton had no comment.
court ok's flying fucks and shit
fcc lively lingo liberated
a trash-talking federal court yesterday nixed the federal communication commission's ban on nasty words over the air. reading his decision from the bench, judge leonard bruce noted, "the fcc's stringent approach and gigantic fines for dirty words were way out of bounds. so fuck that shit."
paris hilton did have a comment but we won't print it.
bush impales vlad
en route to heilgendamm (german for "place of holy hell") to give chancellor merkel another backrub at the g8 summit, president missile shield lashed out at russian leader putin. with cowboy directness, bush decried putin's news manipulation, threats to other countries, vote suppression, saber rattling, and coziness with big business, "the kinda stuff i'd never let happen in the u.s."
condileeza rice had a comment, but it was about paris hilton.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
trump tower baghdad
the state department today announced that the vast $600 million u.s. baghdad embassy will be privatized. the equity firm of trump, chump and dump, l.l.p. is the likely buyer.
the donald outlined his plans for this "unprecedentedly fabulous makeover" at a press conference in the sultanate of oman.
"we'll make this a stunning new mecca." trump crowed. "imagine a sultry night in the new baghdad," he exuded, "when the orchestra strikes up the 1812 overture, we won't even need our own cannons. the danger and glamour of this city on the tigris will supercharge the world-weary paparazzi."
luxury suites will be fitted with grenade-proof shutters, korans, and prada gas masks.
the "shock and awe" disco's indoor pyrotechnics will replicate the sumptuous danger of a baghdad gone wild. enjoy apocalyptic dancing till dawn.
waiters dressed in silk crusader outfits will flit table to table through a dozen luxury restaurants. armani clothed patrons can indulge such delicacies as shishkabob al quaida, fallujah flambe with freedom fries, and tempting shiite on a shingle.
wayne newton will kick off the fun in the enormous boomboom room. he invites you to shake to the beat of the new dance craze, "the mocktada."
huge plasma video screens will feature such classic films as "twelve o'clock high," "dr. strangelove," "the best years of our lives," and "blackhawk down."
trump vowed to hire at least fifty elvis impersonators.
innovative pool wear will include mae west flak vests and and kevlar helmets in imitation of trump's signature mop top hairdo. wet burkha contests happen every tuesday evening.
the "rumsfeld double-down lounge" will provide texas high stakes poker in a relaxed atmosphere of cost overruns and paranoia.
the "thief of baghdad room" will be reserved for pentagon contractors.
wackenbutt corporation will provide beefy armed alcoholics for security.
A state department spokeswoman said, "this ought to give that bearded guy in his cave a coronary."
"this will be the world's most explosive new entertainment venue," trump continued. "we can't promise seventy five virgins and fountains of wine, but this'll come darned close to paradise."
make your will and your reservations now. contact saddamnation airlines for ticket information.
Friday, June 1, 2007
"i misinvaded"
these are the two words i most want to hear from president commander guy's mouth. not misspoke, misstated, misunderestimated, miss thing, or miss accomp.
***
political ornithologists report a strange sighting in the baghdad area. a large slow avian biped (liebermanis disgustus) has been photographed by a number of observers. its grating squawk, "surge, surge, surge," has been tape recorded. this gross near-extinct creature's flak-vest tan plumage and head crest resembling a doughboy's world war one helmet have elicited global astonishment.
the world wildlife fun added: "this species appears to mix simian and avian physiology in an unseemly brew. such a specimen should be captured and held in a preserve on, say, elba."
a unique grotesquerie for your life list, birders.
***
all bush-appointed immigration judges should be deported. see how they like it. they can then re-apply for asylum and test their luck.
***
due to a collapsed tin ceiling in our aging composing room, a guest editorial, "hardliner crybaby," wrongly appeared in the sports section. the incorrect photo and caption gave the impression that representative john boner volunteered to perform as bozo the clown for a ward of quadraplegic iraqi children.
mr. boner, to the best of our knowledge, has never been a freelance clown. he is paid.
***
if della street could talk:
monica goodling's favorite course at pat robberson's school o' law was called "should jesus have hired perry mason?"
***
because of exceptionally powerful solar flares affecting electromagnetic transmissions, tuesday's article "learn english good or go home" was mysteriously printed in swedish.
***
epitaph:
here jerry fallwell lies.
as usual.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
errata race
the editor regrets:
due to an inebriation error, our report that dick cheney as a child played puck in "a midsummer night's surge" was not correct. mickey rooney played puck. mr. cheney performed in "krapp's last tape" at the east berlin annual proctologist's convention. we regret the error.
our editorial describing first lady laura bush's hairdo as "wookie-like" was inexact. the editorialist has corrected the phrase to "a festival of furbies."
the odessa correspondent's note that the pentagon's new war czar is a hemophiliac descendant of russia's romanov family is, alas, off the mark. he is instead the great great great grand nephew of kaiser wilhelm ii, and enjoys two fully functioning arms. he does not wear a mustache.
a klonipin-addled photo intern transposed pictures and captions in sunday's "celebs on toast" section. german chancellor andrea merkel hasn't, to our knowledge, ever "jiggled her headlights," and is not in danger of incarceration in california; ms. hilton did not refer to vladimir putin as a "pissant slavic putz."
due to a typesetter's miscue, the headline on page 12, in reference to former massachusetts governor romney's quest for the white house, should read "mormon's heir" rather than "moron's hair."
we regret to inform readers that secretary of state condoleeza rice was never a member of the supremes. she merely shares their aging hairdresser. doctor rice is, however, a pianist of honkytonk quality. she mainly performs privately for her livingroom full of exercise machines.
in a profile of her royal majesty queen elizabeth ii entitled "saxon's angle," please substitute "regal bearing" for the incorrect "fecal sharing." in addition, tony blair is not the author of the 1948 novel "1984."
a description of senate minority leader mitch mcconnell's neckwear as "castro faggot-ass pink" occured due to a brownout that discombobulated our aging linotype equipment. we publicly apologize to the castro district of the city of san francisco.
next week: toenail clipping our footnotes.
lonelygrunt15
at ease, gentlemen.
i hear you all bitchin bout our new rules about them intertubes. lemme lay it out for you. defective immediately, keep your asses off of myspace, youtube, xtube, flickr, dickr, and any other libral shitass wangwave video crap web thing.
and especially stay off dudesnude. i know you guys say you love each other but do you hafta deep kiss? and don't tell me the brits are doin it. this ain't amsterdam or frisco.
and another thing. stop talkin to them writers. don't let me catch you in bed with some embedded journalist. a pen's as dangerous as a bomb.
now i know you been hearin about g.i.'s returnin home and bein denied medical and disability cause the docs fake up some "pre-existing" mental condition b.s. look, you volunteered for this here army. that's crazy from the getgo, so we already got you on a technicality.
i don't gotta remind you to be super careful out there. this place ain't no shopping mall. well, cept for mccain. baghdad is damn dangerous. reminds me of detroit. with crappier cars. crappier cars that explode.
so help me, if one a you guys gets blowed up by any ied, i'll personally strangle whatever's left of you.
hey, you in back there - put down that goddamn noam chomsky book and pay attention.
president brushcut's got his fubar surge thing goin, and we're the lucky bunnies what got to carry it out. extreme awareness is the rule. avoid any bigass trucks with posters of ben loadin on em. remain super cautious while searching or patting down civilians or suspects.
and that reminds me of another thing. no, repeat no, fraternizin with them muslim girls. you stay outta their sunni triangles. and don't be callin in air strikes on no more nail salons.
hey, and don't think i didn't see you friggin sad sacks scratching your eyebrows with your middle fingers the goddamn whole time dick cheney gave his speech here. you can thank jesus the v.p. is fuckin nearsighted. and i don't want any mass crotch scratching next week when condi visits.
men, we got a important mission here. just cause they won't fuckin tell us what the fuck it is don't mean we ain't gonna go out and accomplish the goddamn mission. ya follow me on this?
let's go out and and kick ass and win some hearts and minds.
cause if you fuck this up, boys, there's a moldy rat room waitin for you at walter reed.
oh, cookie wants me to remind you that tonight's special is chipped beef on toast.
that's it.
disfugginsmissed.
i hear you all bitchin bout our new rules about them intertubes. lemme lay it out for you. defective immediately, keep your asses off of myspace, youtube, xtube, flickr, dickr, and any other libral shitass wangwave video crap web thing.
and especially stay off dudesnude. i know you guys say you love each other but do you hafta deep kiss? and don't tell me the brits are doin it. this ain't amsterdam or frisco.
and another thing. stop talkin to them writers. don't let me catch you in bed with some embedded journalist. a pen's as dangerous as a bomb.
now i know you been hearin about g.i.'s returnin home and bein denied medical and disability cause the docs fake up some "pre-existing" mental condition b.s. look, you volunteered for this here army. that's crazy from the getgo, so we already got you on a technicality.
i don't gotta remind you to be super careful out there. this place ain't no shopping mall. well, cept for mccain. baghdad is damn dangerous. reminds me of detroit. with crappier cars. crappier cars that explode.
so help me, if one a you guys gets blowed up by any ied, i'll personally strangle whatever's left of you.
hey, you in back there - put down that goddamn noam chomsky book and pay attention.
president brushcut's got his fubar surge thing goin, and we're the lucky bunnies what got to carry it out. extreme awareness is the rule. avoid any bigass trucks with posters of ben loadin on em. remain super cautious while searching or patting down civilians or suspects.
and that reminds me of another thing. no, repeat no, fraternizin with them muslim girls. you stay outta their sunni triangles. and don't be callin in air strikes on no more nail salons.
hey, and don't think i didn't see you friggin sad sacks scratching your eyebrows with your middle fingers the goddamn whole time dick cheney gave his speech here. you can thank jesus the v.p. is fuckin nearsighted. and i don't want any mass crotch scratching next week when condi visits.
men, we got a important mission here. just cause they won't fuckin tell us what the fuck it is don't mean we ain't gonna go out and accomplish the goddamn mission. ya follow me on this?
let's go out and and kick ass and win some hearts and minds.
cause if you fuck this up, boys, there's a moldy rat room waitin for you at walter reed.
oh, cookie wants me to remind you that tonight's special is chipped beef on toast.
that's it.
disfugginsmissed.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
cost of life
in my city salad days (more my bacobits days), i paid a third of our $125 a month rent, drank 35 cent pickwick ales, enjoyed 99 cent lunches, and drove cab at night. my college tuition had been $200 a semester. work all summer; save enough for a university year. bob dole was running for vice president.
students, let us compare and contrast.
now: average equivalent urban rent - $1,750.
beer: five bucks a pop.
state school: $8,000 per semester.
the iraq war will easily cost 1.25 trillion dollars. that's billions of months of rent at my 1976 rate.
the gray lady reports last week that the average manhattan hedge fund manager's take last year topped $350 million.
the average.
a subway ride away, the bronx remains the poorest urban county in america. throughout gotham 1.5 million live below the poverty level. a poverty level that is set insultingly low. hundreds upon hundreds of thousands receive food stamps. hundreds of thousands more need them.
this fiscal straight jacket tightens with crushing inevitability, a python. day after day, dime by dime, hunger to hunger, the empire of money crushes human futures.
over a single generation we've slid from pride to penury.
what's a life worth?
andrew bacevich found out. bacevich is from a military family, fought in vietnam. he is a professor at boston university. his twenty seven year old son, also named andrew, volunteered to fight in iraq. professor bacevich has consistently written against the iraq war.
last week professor bacevich received the news no parent should receive. his son had been killed.
professor bacevich writes, "memorial day orators will say that a g.i.'s life is priceless. don't believe it. i know what value the u.s. government assigns to a soldier's life: i've been handed the check. it's roughly what the yankees will pay roger clemens per inning once he starts pitching next month."
students, let us compare and contrast.
now: average equivalent urban rent - $1,750.
beer: five bucks a pop.
state school: $8,000 per semester.
the iraq war will easily cost 1.25 trillion dollars. that's billions of months of rent at my 1976 rate.
the gray lady reports last week that the average manhattan hedge fund manager's take last year topped $350 million.
the average.
a subway ride away, the bronx remains the poorest urban county in america. throughout gotham 1.5 million live below the poverty level. a poverty level that is set insultingly low. hundreds upon hundreds of thousands receive food stamps. hundreds of thousands more need them.
this fiscal straight jacket tightens with crushing inevitability, a python. day after day, dime by dime, hunger to hunger, the empire of money crushes human futures.
over a single generation we've slid from pride to penury.
what's a life worth?
andrew bacevich found out. bacevich is from a military family, fought in vietnam. he is a professor at boston university. his twenty seven year old son, also named andrew, volunteered to fight in iraq. professor bacevich has consistently written against the iraq war.
last week professor bacevich received the news no parent should receive. his son had been killed.
professor bacevich writes, "memorial day orators will say that a g.i.'s life is priceless. don't believe it. i know what value the u.s. government assigns to a soldier's life: i've been handed the check. it's roughly what the yankees will pay roger clemens per inning once he starts pitching next month."
Monday, May 28, 2007
let's talk about [blank]
michaelangelo's david was fitted with a figleaf. barbarians thwacked the dicks off classic greek statues. the japanese pixillate out cocks in their porn. satyr vases hide in museum basements.
why this long panic about guy's weenies?
this vital fluid erectory device is getting short shrift. we have two states and two contrasting acceptabilities. state 1: soft, almost ok. state 2: hard, usually obscene.
the lads in plato's time had a dual course too. 1: public sculpture with miniturized genitals (schlongettes?). 2: beasty satyrs with humongous hardons.
along with our double brains we have double attitudes. eros is so powerful and unpredictable we've split this force into sappy puppy love versus bull-savage uncontainment. we lurch between radical extremes.
what about a civil conversation between the two? a confluence. a meeting in geneva, as it were. first negotiations might be tense.
artists can help us out here. creators tussle with contraries, like jacob wrestling the angel. consider the rumbustious life and work of robert mapplethorpe. he roped a suppressed eros right back into the fine arts, hot and camera-ready. prudes were apoplectic. museums refused shows. southern senators fulminated. a curator was taken to court.
his art gave vision to the gay lib phrase 'the personal is political.' what shocked was unashamed pleasure of the flesh. and his crashing of racial barriers ('god ahmighty, there's black dick all over them museum walls.'). mapplethorpe's piece called "man in a polyester suit" raised delicious scandal. a knee to neck close up reveals a black man wearing a cheap suit, fly open, pendulous phallus on show.
there's more than a touch of humor to this work: "here's the forbidden thing. you'll have to change your life."
the satyr is freed from the cellar.
why this long panic about guy's weenies?
this vital fluid erectory device is getting short shrift. we have two states and two contrasting acceptabilities. state 1: soft, almost ok. state 2: hard, usually obscene.
the lads in plato's time had a dual course too. 1: public sculpture with miniturized genitals (schlongettes?). 2: beasty satyrs with humongous hardons.
along with our double brains we have double attitudes. eros is so powerful and unpredictable we've split this force into sappy puppy love versus bull-savage uncontainment. we lurch between radical extremes.
what about a civil conversation between the two? a confluence. a meeting in geneva, as it were. first negotiations might be tense.
artists can help us out here. creators tussle with contraries, like jacob wrestling the angel. consider the rumbustious life and work of robert mapplethorpe. he roped a suppressed eros right back into the fine arts, hot and camera-ready. prudes were apoplectic. museums refused shows. southern senators fulminated. a curator was taken to court.
his art gave vision to the gay lib phrase 'the personal is political.' what shocked was unashamed pleasure of the flesh. and his crashing of racial barriers ('god ahmighty, there's black dick all over them museum walls.'). mapplethorpe's piece called "man in a polyester suit" raised delicious scandal. a knee to neck close up reveals a black man wearing a cheap suit, fly open, pendulous phallus on show.
there's more than a touch of humor to this work: "here's the forbidden thing. you'll have to change your life."
the satyr is freed from the cellar.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
our commentarium
the web is now a huge commentarium that's spread faster than radio, television, or herpes. it is infostuffed, goofy, raging, lewd. strangely, we have the pentagon to thank for getting it going. it subsumes media that came before - print, music, photos, ads, art, design, video.
just this week i've watched monica goodgirl's evasions, japanese porn, bill moyer's journal, al gore on jon stewart, and more more more. i've read reports, articles, comments, prose frothings. i saw the pres shit on by a bird. and, always, the ads, hogging as much space as they can.
untethered to time, i've absorbed this digital dog's breakfast naked in bed curled up with a laptop. all this is, admittedly, far from listening to socrates at the agora.
but this pixel festival is here to stay.
nicholas negroponte is ushering in a one hundred dollar laptop to be bought by governments and donated to children in poorer countries. he talks of making laptops by the tens of millions, by the hundreds of millions.
bucky fuller in the 1960's proposed a 'world game,' in a large stadium wherein mainframe computers pumped data about the whole earth's resources onto large screens. all were invited to 'play' strategies to maximize success for the planet's citizens. then pick the best and enact it.
mainframe shrank to mini computer then into a laptop in every christmas stocking. decentralization decentered. we didn't get the world game (our business poobahs had other ideas). we got google, wikipedia, and lonelygirl.
so we come to blogs and bloggers. 'blogger' is such a plonky word (click 'comment' below and suggest better). a 'blogger' sounds like the roto rooter guy who comes with a fecal encrusted device to ream a septic tank with. note: don't end a sentence with with.
i started on the print trade in an age of hot wax and physical pasteups. i still miss that waxine aroma but type and post is a hell of a lot easier. let the cyber romp romp on.
it's an astonishment to remember that this whole ediface is built on sand. or, at least, on silicon.
.
just this week i've watched monica goodgirl's evasions, japanese porn, bill moyer's journal, al gore on jon stewart, and more more more. i've read reports, articles, comments, prose frothings. i saw the pres shit on by a bird. and, always, the ads, hogging as much space as they can.
untethered to time, i've absorbed this digital dog's breakfast naked in bed curled up with a laptop. all this is, admittedly, far from listening to socrates at the agora.
but this pixel festival is here to stay.
nicholas negroponte is ushering in a one hundred dollar laptop to be bought by governments and donated to children in poorer countries. he talks of making laptops by the tens of millions, by the hundreds of millions.
bucky fuller in the 1960's proposed a 'world game,' in a large stadium wherein mainframe computers pumped data about the whole earth's resources onto large screens. all were invited to 'play' strategies to maximize success for the planet's citizens. then pick the best and enact it.
mainframe shrank to mini computer then into a laptop in every christmas stocking. decentralization decentered. we didn't get the world game (our business poobahs had other ideas). we got google, wikipedia, and lonelygirl.
so we come to blogs and bloggers. 'blogger' is such a plonky word (click 'comment' below and suggest better). a 'blogger' sounds like the roto rooter guy who comes with a fecal encrusted device to ream a septic tank with. note: don't end a sentence with with.
i started on the print trade in an age of hot wax and physical pasteups. i still miss that waxine aroma but type and post is a hell of a lot easier. let the cyber romp romp on.
it's an astonishment to remember that this whole ediface is built on sand. or, at least, on silicon.
.
is it on wikipedia yet?
empussification. a word coined by jon stewart on his faux news show. it refers to the dems backing off including timelines in an iraq war funding bill. the hint is that bush has empussified the congress.
the root word is of course 'pussy,' a slur on females, and, when used by one male against another, an insult.
we seem to be uncertain about sexual boundaries, confused about aggression. butch posturing is an old game played by men in politics. "he looks french" is the least of it. the daggers of speech by the three leading repub candidates presages a 2008 festival of bellicosity.
it's all about domination. from schoolyard insults and fighting to a reluctant empire attacking a far off country, it's about violently getting our way, about forcing submission.
i saw it in its most vicious form on cnn. a young woman from northern iraq had fallen in love with a young man from the wrong tribe, the wrong religion. male villagers dragged her into the street and kicked and stoned her to death. police officials watched and did nothing. someone recorded it on cell phone video.
can we still believe in the moral progress of the human race?
the root word is of course 'pussy,' a slur on females, and, when used by one male against another, an insult.
we seem to be uncertain about sexual boundaries, confused about aggression. butch posturing is an old game played by men in politics. "he looks french" is the least of it. the daggers of speech by the three leading repub candidates presages a 2008 festival of bellicosity.
it's all about domination. from schoolyard insults and fighting to a reluctant empire attacking a far off country, it's about violently getting our way, about forcing submission.
i saw it in its most vicious form on cnn. a young woman from northern iraq had fallen in love with a young man from the wrong tribe, the wrong religion. male villagers dragged her into the street and kicked and stoned her to death. police officials watched and did nothing. someone recorded it on cell phone video.
can we still believe in the moral progress of the human race?
Saturday, May 26, 2007
bird terror update
high military officials announced that the bird poop attack on president bush during an outdoor press conference is part of a "dangerous avian al quaida terrorist threat."
Department of homeland security czar michael cjerkoff stated "effective immediately, all birds are on the dhs no-fly list." the director further announced the appointment of tippi hedron as new head of the anti-avian terrorist task force. ms. hedron interrupted her face lift surgery and boarded a plane for washington.
Reports of navy gun boats shelling east coast bird sanctuaries could not be confirmed at this hour.
the aclu reported that an fbi raid on audubon society headquarters was underway. an fbi spokescretin said "any avian terrorist sympathizers will be met with the full power of the law."
senator byrd of west viginia was reportedly detained.
air force colonel walter pigeon commented: "if we see so much as a tweety bird on the wing, our pilots have orders to make broilers out of them suckers."
president commander guy issued this statement: "i tollya they were gonna strike at us at home again. why don't yall listen to me?"
police were seizing copies of an alfred hitchcock film they were not at liberty to name, claiming it is "an ortnitho-islamic fascist al quaida training film that could endanger national security."
al quaida of iraq denounced the administration's actions as "chicken shit."
Department of homeland security czar michael cjerkoff stated "effective immediately, all birds are on the dhs no-fly list." the director further announced the appointment of tippi hedron as new head of the anti-avian terrorist task force. ms. hedron interrupted her face lift surgery and boarded a plane for washington.
Reports of navy gun boats shelling east coast bird sanctuaries could not be confirmed at this hour.
the aclu reported that an fbi raid on audubon society headquarters was underway. an fbi spokescretin said "any avian terrorist sympathizers will be met with the full power of the law."
senator byrd of west viginia was reportedly detained.
air force colonel walter pigeon commented: "if we see so much as a tweety bird on the wing, our pilots have orders to make broilers out of them suckers."
president commander guy issued this statement: "i tollya they were gonna strike at us at home again. why don't yall listen to me?"
police were seizing copies of an alfred hitchcock film they were not at liberty to name, claiming it is "an ortnitho-islamic fascist al quaida training film that could endanger national security."
al quaida of iraq denounced the administration's actions as "chicken shit."
forgettery
"the united states of amnesia" is what gore vidal calls our republic. we seem to be innoculated against our own history. the tsunami of media swamps our social and political perspective.
think of how infrequently one of our ubiquitous talking heads compares the mire of iraq with the quicksand of vietnam. are not the same overweening malign certainties bursting from the mouth of president birdshit as they did before from lyndon and milhouse? doesn't the bombast of rumsfeld remind you of the chill declarations of macnamara?
and the terrifying video vomiting from our televisions - aren't the similarities eerie? shouldn't we be doubly appalled?
we forget things on a personal level. name all your high school teachers. like me, you probably can't. you may remember you first kiss, but how about the twenty second or the thirty fourth. city life is a regimented series of ignorings, a survival round of sloughings. there is a logic to personal forgettings.
our societal forgettings are more dangerous and dangerously orchestrated. remember the twelve foot high cement wall being built around the adhimiya section of baghdad? seen any photos of it lately? you can think of a dozen more orwellian memory holes.
there was something else important i wanted to add but, dammit, i've forgotten.
think of how infrequently one of our ubiquitous talking heads compares the mire of iraq with the quicksand of vietnam. are not the same overweening malign certainties bursting from the mouth of president birdshit as they did before from lyndon and milhouse? doesn't the bombast of rumsfeld remind you of the chill declarations of macnamara?
and the terrifying video vomiting from our televisions - aren't the similarities eerie? shouldn't we be doubly appalled?
we forget things on a personal level. name all your high school teachers. like me, you probably can't. you may remember you first kiss, but how about the twenty second or the thirty fourth. city life is a regimented series of ignorings, a survival round of sloughings. there is a logic to personal forgettings.
our societal forgettings are more dangerous and dangerously orchestrated. remember the twelve foot high cement wall being built around the adhimiya section of baghdad? seen any photos of it lately? you can think of a dozen more orwellian memory holes.
there was something else important i wanted to add but, dammit, i've forgotten.
Friday, May 25, 2007
_________________________________________________________
sometimes the perfect editorial comes out of the blue.
out in the white house rose garden, as our frat boy pres extolled the virtues of his amigo alberto g., a bird overhead, seizing the moment, dropped a load of shit on w's sleeve.
o brave angel, o winged avenger. this dead eye duck is my hero du jour.
so, by the lack of power vested in me, i hereby award hogwilde's first crapping truth to power award to this hero of the skies.
let this omen be a warning to president beshatted.
sometimes the perfect editorial comes out of the blue.
out in the white house rose garden, as our frat boy pres extolled the virtues of his amigo alberto g., a bird overhead, seizing the moment, dropped a load of shit on w's sleeve.
o brave angel, o winged avenger. this dead eye duck is my hero du jour.
so, by the lack of power vested in me, i hereby award hogwilde's first crapping truth to power award to this hero of the skies.
let this omen be a warning to president beshatted.
intro speckshun
i type in a small room at the y in a large american city.
i type badly in lower case to match my lower caste status. after a glorious may afternoon and a charming dinner with a friend i slump into depression in thought of my country. is this truly our land whose leaders rip another country apart like a chicken? our land whose leaders kidnap, confine, torture men of different language and skin tone? what mad zealotry has turned them into yeats' rough beasts?
the ferocious despair of the era the vietnam war returns. then as now we suffered a deluded chief executive pursuing a war of personal bile, a war to uphold his own ego, a war that savaged a far land, a war of slaughter, a war without goals, a war that rode month after month on its own blood trail, a war stripped of sense or human goals.
help me now, you friends out there - what are we to do?
i invite your words, your agitations, your sane responses.
i type badly in lower case to match my lower caste status. after a glorious may afternoon and a charming dinner with a friend i slump into depression in thought of my country. is this truly our land whose leaders rip another country apart like a chicken? our land whose leaders kidnap, confine, torture men of different language and skin tone? what mad zealotry has turned them into yeats' rough beasts?
the ferocious despair of the era the vietnam war returns. then as now we suffered a deluded chief executive pursuing a war of personal bile, a war to uphold his own ego, a war that savaged a far land, a war of slaughter, a war without goals, a war that rode month after month on its own blood trail, a war stripped of sense or human goals.
help me now, you friends out there - what are we to do?
i invite your words, your agitations, your sane responses.
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