neoconia

a recently arisen volcanic island in the pacific was claimed friday in federal court. the private equity firm of rumsfeld, feith, kristol, wolfowitz, abramoff and bolton (pronounced "nambla") filed papers to assume possession.

world leaders were taken aback by the unprecedented move. the as-yet unoccupied cooling atoll will be settled within weeks, sources told us. google servers crashed as web surfers attempted to find the island on google maps.

in a novel move, the new nation will be incorporated as a stock trading company. its nasdaq symbol,"rape," has already been chosen. "we expect to attract oodles of saudi and russian money for this," a chaste manhattan spokeswoman opined.

reaction from united nations members varied. a french diplomat decried "this new right wing vomitorium among palm trees." a swiss representative remained neutral. an undersecretary from venezuela denounced the concept as "tahiti with nukes."

at a sparsely attended press conference in the seychelles, donny rumsfeld announced "you go with the island you have, not the island you'd like to have."

some elements of the new national structure were revealed. a constitution and set of laws (which can be disregarded at will) are being written. the state religion will be beligerant christianity. french restaurants will not be allowed. the capital city will be named rapture.

some personnel have been chosen. john bolton will serve as united nations ambassador. "no pesky congress can queer my appointment now," bolton chided.

douglas feith was named bishop of rapture. "we'll really get feith-based initiatives off to a hell of a start," he quipped.

editor billy kristol will serve as mimister of enlightenment and assistant secretary of war. rumsfeld called the move "a promotion from weakly standard to kristol macht."

paul wolfowitz and his girlfriend plan to arrive via ruppert murdoch's yacht with a party of surveyors and couples counselors, as well as a fox news tv transmitter.

former house speaker tom delay planned to arrive "without delay."

a cryptic blackberry message from abramoff read "able was i ere i saw elba." attorneys have filed a motion to allow abramoff to serve his remaining sentence in the new nation.

scooter libby could not be located for a comment.

"this sounds like a devil's island of felons and bush leaguers," snarled michael moore. "i have a suggestion for their national anthem," he continued, "how about black sabbath's song 'war pigs.'"