whirled news now

libby's next leaks in federal pen
neocons shed crockodile tears

a bush-appointed no-bullshit judge sentenced mr. libby to two and a half years in federal prison tuesday. an ashen-faced scooter commented afterward, "im too old to be a punk in a bunk."

a passel of supportive letters from such as wolfie, kissie, and rummy did not sway the judge. president bush is rumored to be polishing another medal of freedom for yet one more disgraced underling. judge wilson delayed scooter's going-to-jail moment in order to guffaw some more over the stack of touchingly absurd letters.

federal prisoner teara newone commented, "i've already bid four packs of kools to get scooter to scoot into my bunk." federal officials suspected a prison bidding war may break out to obtain mr. libby's sexual services.

paris hilton had no comment.

court ok's flying fucks and shit
fcc lively lingo liberated

a trash-talking federal court yesterday nixed the federal communication commission's ban on nasty words over the air. reading his decision from the bench, judge leonard bruce noted, "the fcc's stringent approach and gigantic fines for dirty words were way out of bounds. so fuck that shit."

paris hilton did have a comment but we won't print it.

bush impales vlad

en route to heilgendamm (german for "place of holy hell") to give chancellor merkel another backrub at the g8 summit, president missile shield lashed out at russian leader putin. with cowboy directness, bush decried putin's news manipulation, threats to other countries, vote suppression, saber rattling, and coziness with big business, "the kinda stuff i'd never let happen in the u.s."

condileeza rice had a comment, but it was about paris hilton.