make love not war

documents released under a freedom of information request reveal the pentagon developed a "gay bomb," a hormonal aerosol mist that when inhaled induced unrestrained homosexual desire among soldiers. the idea was to disrupt enemy formations.

the disruption this time was to u.s. military personnel.

an improperly labeled "gay bomb" cannister leaked the odorless lusty aerosol through barracks, showers and latrines at an undisclosed american military base. "it instantly turned disciplined troops into the village people." declared colonel jack offalott. "sure, we want to build unit cohesion, but we had to separate these guys with crowbars."

"everyone suddenly wanted to bend over and pick up the soap," a participant stated.

"i thought basic training was a workout," said private hy hardone of gay head, martha's vineyard, who was swept up in the frenzy. "this was friggin testoserone city. it was viagra falls."

military police wearing gas masks were sent in to disperse the unprecedented orgy. boomboxes blared judy garland songs. a kickline of naked drill sargeants was led to the brig.

"the ratio of fellatio was very high," said a marine doctor afterwards. "not to mention other things. i never saw so many tired grunts with shit-eating grins. luckily, the effects wore off after a couple of hours. otherwise, we'd need every proctologist in north america."

"they really got corporal with their privates," declared captain jose pinga. "it was like a night in berlin."

the military reacted with shock and awe:
"they couldn't keep pace with their peters," said general peter pace.
one colonel raged, "it ain't called milifairy service."
a navy commander: "effective immediately, seamen's semen is off limits."
"it's not pronounced semper bi," yelled a marine general.
one pentagon male imitator stated, "a private's privates are private."

the defense department has convened a special sodomy squad to investigate. the pentagon remained closemouthed about fellatio.

neither reverend ted haggard nor ex-porn star rod majors could be reached for comment.

a spokesman for representative barney frank laughed so hard he could not answer our queries.

the pentagon is considering renaming fort dix.