errata race

the editor regrets:

due to an inebriation error, our report that dick cheney as a child played puck in "a midsummer night's surge" was not correct. mickey rooney played puck. mr. cheney performed in "krapp's last tape" at the east berlin annual proctologist's convention. we regret the error.

our editorial describing first lady laura bush's hairdo as "wookie-like" was inexact. the editorialist has corrected the phrase to "a festival of furbies."

the odessa correspondent's note that the pentagon's new war czar is a hemophiliac descendant of russia's romanov family is, alas, off the mark. he is instead the great great great grand nephew of kaiser wilhelm ii, and enjoys two fully functioning arms. he does not wear a mustache.

a klonipin-addled photo intern transposed pictures and captions in sunday's "celebs on toast" section. german chancellor andrea merkel hasn't, to our knowledge, ever "jiggled her headlights," and is not in danger of incarceration in california; ms. hilton did not refer to vladimir putin as a "pissant slavic putz."

due to a typesetter's miscue, the headline on page 12, in reference to former massachusetts governor romney's quest for the white house, should read "mormon's heir" rather than "moron's hair."

we regret to inform readers that secretary of state condoleeza rice was never a member of the supremes. she merely shares their aging hairdresser. doctor rice is, however, a pianist of honkytonk quality. she mainly performs privately for her livingroom full of exercise machines.

in a profile of her royal majesty queen elizabeth ii entitled "saxon's angle," please substitute "regal bearing" for the incorrect "fecal sharing." in addition, tony blair is not the author of the 1948 novel "1984."

a description of senate minority leader mitch mcconnell's neckwear as "castro faggot-ass pink" occured due to a brownout that discombobulated our aging linotype equipment. we publicly apologize to the castro district of the city of san francisco.

next week: toenail clipping our footnotes.